Grateful

     I am sitting at my laptop, staring at an amazing photo of my daughter and her husband and their daughter.  It is taken at a distance, and they look like shadows in a forest with the sun glistening like diamonds through bare trees.  The sky is an azure blue, which makes for a striking contrast.  As I gaze at this photo, tears of gratitude are streaming down my face.  I have no idea how I managed to be so blessed.  I have certainly done nothing to deserve the joy in having such a beautiful family.  Having grown up in a rather dysfunctional home, I longed for knowing the love of kindred souls.  We may not be as close-knit as many other families that I know, but this picture reminds me of God’s goodness.  I pray that my daughter and her family will remember who they are.  I pray that they will be reminded that all of their blessings come from Him.  I pray that they will raise my grandchildren to know Him and want to serve Him.  While these are unanswered prayers at the present, I am ever hopeful that something will stir in their hearts to draw them close to Him once again.

Blushing Bride at 60

            In just a few more days, I will be getting married for the third time (divorced and then widowed).  As they say, “third time’s a charm,” and I am truly believing that in this case there is some real truth in that cliché.   I am hopeful that our rather long engagement (over three years) has prepared me for what I know will be some hurdles.  After all, I have been through this twice before.  I have learned from living for over six decades that one thing that a wife cannot do is change her husband.  I have learned that what makes a relationship blossom is giving heed to the work of genuinely communicating.  I have learned that forgiveness is a most powerful source of healing.  I have learned that a desire to grow together is what holds a marriage most tightly.  I have also learned that without God at the center, few marriages can survive.

            What I love about Jon is his expectation to be a better person tomorrow than he is today.  One cannot hold this value and stick rigidly to strong opinions and always having to be right.  We have known each other for over six years and we both are not the same people that we were when we met.  But more importantly, we both expect to be different in the future as well.  When two people expect to change, then no difference of opinion can become a stronghold.

            Jon is blind.  Choosing to marry a man that cannot run to the store to pick up a forgotten item or to make me coffee in the morning was a huge decision for me.  While Jon is visually impaired he has a deeper understanding than most others I have ever known.  His insights are a source of strength and value that I hold dear.  I can’t imagine any situation without hearing his wisdom and thoughts.  It took me awhile to get used to this hurdle, but there are no longer any doubts -- just pure joy at knowing we get to spend the rest of our lives together.

            I am trying to not stress about wedding details, although having a wedding two days after Christmas can be a source of much busyness.  Out of town family members will be joining us and I pray that I will have time to enjoy their company and not be distracted by other things to do.  This wedding for me has to be on a foundation of being-ness rather than doing-ness. 

            I am grateful for promises of a future.  I am grateful for my adult children who will put aside their personal opinions out of respect for my happiness.  I am especially grateful for knowing that together, Jon and I are better people.  To me – that is the best reason of all for a marriage. 

Being Sad

Sadness is an emotion that I don’t like to embrace.  The sadness road is scary for me because it reminds me of a very troubled and dark time during my teen years when sadness drifted into depression which in turn, led to very real and very serious suicidal thoughts.  Now, I am mostly upbeat, optimistic, and joyful, so when a genuine reason to feel sad comes about, I don’t much know what to do with those feelings.

Tonight I feel sad.  I am sad about a part of me that feels lost.  This part of me that really was much of my identity for about 4 decades is fading.  This part is not really who I am any more and I am sad about that.  When I am around others who excel in this arena, I feel even sadder.  I think about what might have been had I chosen to focus more on this part and less on all of the rest.  I didn’t make that choice, and I know it was the right thing to do, but I didn’t count on losing this part of me that used to be mostly me and now is not.

It’s ok to be sad.  I can be sad and not fear a tumble down into the abyss again.  I’m just not very good at sadness.  I don’t like it much.  I am a fixer.  I always think there should be a way to piece together the brokenness.  But there really isn’t.  This is the new me – the result of decisions and choices that I have made to put my energies in other directions.  Joy comes in the morning.  It always has.  So for now I will feel into the sadness and be grateful that I can and know everything is still ok.

Jesus was sad when his disciples couldn’t stay awake at the most horrifying time in his life.  He knew what kind of torture and death was imminent and asked His closest companions to pray with Him.  Instead, they fell asleep.  And not just once!  Even after he woke them up and asked them to stand with him, they slept again.  I cannot even fathom that level of sadness.  I think sometimes we are sad when we realize that no one can restore or prevent the unfolding of life.  Allowing ourselves the right to feel sad helps us move forward.  So for tonight, I am just going to be sad.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to me!!

I learned today that there is just a little curtain between my steering wheel and the dashboard in my car.  I was on my way to the airport. 6:00 AM and quite dark out still.  I was opening my crunchy peanut butter Cliff bar and WHAM! It fell right out of the wrap and slid into this secret abyss behind my steering wheel.  

I was on my way to Tim Horton's to get a coffee. Not that I had to have coffee, but I didn't have any ones for the tip that  I would want to give to the shuttle driver for helping with my oversized-overstuffed suitcase.  I was leaving town for eight days, but I think I could manage for eight months with all I was hauling along with me.

While waiting in line, I was able to wriggle my naked Cliff bar out of its hiding place, so grateful that it wouldn't be stuck there in the Park & Go lot for eight days -- melting in the Indian Summer sun.   Then when I went to pay, the drive through guy at Tim Horton's tells me the car in front had paid for my order.  I still needed change and asked him to break my 5 for me and needing to appear more grateful, say "it's my birthday!"

The Tim Horton's guy wishes me a happy birthday and I'm on my way.  When I arrive at the Park & Go, I find an easy parking space and wish my car a happy stay there for the next eight days.  I am the only rider in the shuttle to the airport.  The driver does not respond when I point out the most gorgeous sunrise.  I wonder what it would be like to shuttle folks to and from the airport all day long.

I arrive at the United Airlines ticketing area and there are about 40 people in line to check their baggage.  Good thing I had an early start.   I move to the kiosk to pay for my suitcase, praying it makes the connection to Colorado Springs with me in Denver.  Can't wait to see my kids and celebrate my birthday with them tonight.

I move back to the long line that isn't really moving.  After about 10 minutes, my name is called and I walk past all of these people and check in .  The United ticketing lady apologizes for my wait.  I wonder what all of those other people are thinking about their longer wait.

Next is TSA.  I am hoping the agent holding my driver’s license notices it's my birthday. He doesn't.  But he tells me I have priority clearing. No shoes off. No need to pull out my Baggie of essential oils or my iPad.  Not sure how I managed priority. But glad to be on my way.   Now I'm on the plane, willing my bladder to wait so I don't have to disturb the handsome young man with his laptop next to me.  I swear I chose an aisle seat, but somehow it's the window.  Looking at clouds and praying for bladder strength.  Happy Birthday!

Warrior Wonderings

I wonder about what it means to have God as my buckler.  I looked up the meaning of buckler, and it is not synonymous with shield because it is really too small to be protection from a sword.  Instead, the buckler is used as a way to deflect punches and sort of a distraction so that the other hand can have a stronger offense.  In other words, instead of the buckler being an instrument of defense, it is an aid to the offense.  Psalm 18:30 says, “As for God, His way is perfect:  the word of the Lord is tried:  He is a buckler to all that trust in Him.”  This says the word of the Lord and then the next sentence starts with “He”.  We know from John, Chapter 1 that Jesus is the Word.  So this means that Jesus is a buckler to all that trust Him.    And since the buckler was used to deflect punches and blows, I am ever grateful that Jesus is my buckler.  He knows when the blows are coming before. I do. 

So I looked up this word “buckler” and I found in 2 Samuel 22:31 almost the same verse!  How about that!  I love this passage starting in verse 30:

“For by thee I have run through a troop:  by my God have I leaped over a wall.  As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is tried:  he is a buckler to all them that trust in him.  For who is God save the Lord?  And who is a rock save our God?  God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect.  He maketh my feet like hinds’ feet:  and setteth me upon my high places.”

Then back in Psalm 18:2 it says, “ The Lord is my Rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler and the horn of my salvation and my high tower.”

Seems like we need to remember that we need the whole armour.  In Ephesians 6:16, it says:  “Above all, taking the shield of faith wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.”  Notice the words “Above All”.  This buckler is what gives strength to the opposition – when it is time to fight, our faith is our buckler.  Thank goodness that is the Faith of Jesus Christ, because if it had to be on my own source of faith, I would be knocked out in the first round.