I Get It Now

Today in my devotions, I finally understood for really the very first time the reason for so much pain in my heart growing up.  I ached for knowing what it felt like to be loved and I searched so hard to learn how to be loveable.  I know now that this barren hole in the very core of my being was necessary so that I could begin to grasp the extent of God’s love.  Only He can fill the empty heart.  I finally understand that I needed to know beyond a shadow of any doubt that NOTHING in this world – not the love of parents or a lover or children or cookies or any other thing I have used to fill the void could ever really satisfy this longing heart.

II Corinthians 4:6-7 says:  “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”

I don’t know why it has taken me so long to really get it.  I have been angry at God for allowing me to get to the very brink of death so many times through my pain.  I thought that if He REALLY loved me, He would have ended the pain sooner.  I really felt abandoned by Him because I didn’t understand the big lesson.

I know He sent angels to me to stop me from my suicide attempts.  I know He had His hand in my self-destructive paths when a step further down that wrong road would have been irreversible.  But I didn’t allow Him to truly fill my heart.  I was still seeking elsewhere for what only HE can do.

I get it now.  And I am so sorry that it took me this long.  I will bask in the embrace of His loving arms, knowing that He was really there all along.  It had to hurt Him to allow me to suffer, but He knew what it would take for me to finally surrender every little crevice of my heart.  I get it now.  Finally.