And I Wait

            Waiting. I have been repeatedly told I need to wait. I have never been good at waiting. I really thought it would get easier.

It isn’t.

I am waiting for instructions on what to do next. Being a doer, it is really hard for me to just be. Every fiber of my being expects to be moving forward. Sitting and waiting feels idle and lazy. Yet, when the instructions are to wait, I keep telling myself of the virtue in obedience. It still isn’t getting any easier.

I feel ready. I feel brave enough to try out some new things. I feel confident enough to know that I am called for something important. Yet when I am told to wait, the doubts begin to creep into my thoughts. What if I didn’t hear right? What if there is still more that I need to learn? What if there is someone else more qualified to fulfill the mission? What if I didn’t really hear correctly, and I am supposed to be doing something that I missed?

When I ask, I am told the same. It is not yet time. My impatience is stronger than my ability to be someone that doesn’t feel like me. I know from past experiences, however, that doing it my way doesn’t make anything better. Ever.

Who would have thought that being told to wait would feel like a prison sentence? I asked what I should do while I am waiting. I was told, “Learn to live loved.”

In the very core of my being, I am not really sure how one learns that. I guess there is something to be said for knowing that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be. Yet, when it feels vacant, and almost stagnant, I need reminders that I am loved.

I guess we all do.

So, here I am, still in the waiting room. Ready, filled with anticipation, and learning how to stay content with no forward momentum in sight.

And, I wait.