Who Is Responsible?

            Today I found out that a high school student who recently made a terrible decision that resulted in tragedy for many others was one that I had at my school when he was very young.  While in first grade, he made a calculated and very bad decision that put him in a very dangerous situation.  When his family came in to discuss what we planned to do to ensure this never happened again, I quickly realized that they would not allow the six year old to own any of the responsibility. I did my best to apologize for our part, but I also knew in my heart that he also played a role.  He waited until his teacher was out for the day, and he created a multi-level plan to carry out his bad decision. I knew he had to understand his responsibility in what happened, but his family kept saying, “he’s only six.”  So in other words, young children don’t need to be responsible for their decisions.  We did not have a good resolution to this situation and the family moved him out of our district.

            This brought to mind something I did when I was four. A boy in my neighborhood thought it was a great idea to go across a very busy, six-lane highway to a school that had an open gym in the summer. When we crossed that highway, we could play basketball. I remember thinking how wrong this was, and I was very worried about getting caught. We didn’t get caught until the third time across the highway. When the police officer took us to our parents, his mom thought I was the bad influence and forbade him from playing with me for many weeks. I don’t remember my punishment, but I know it wasn’t my Mom that was in trouble – it was me. Of course it was a different era then. Today, a parent would be held liable for a four year old running across a busy highway unattended, but back then, the responsibility was placed where it belonged. I knew, even at four, I was making a bad decision, and frankly, I think I was relieved that we finally did get caught.  Yes, I was “only four”, but I knew the wrong decision I had made, and I knew there were consequences for that bad decision.

         Last night, my daughter and her family were at an ice festival. The temperature was unseasonably warm and the sculptures were quickly melting. She saw a young child running her hands over a dripping sculpture and gently told her that her hands would make the sculpture melt even faster.  Her mother glanced over and said, "she's four and she doesn't understand no."  Really? I think a 15 month old understands the word no!

            So back to this teenager. I am wondering how these recent events might have played out differently had his family reacted in a different way when he was six. He did play a role in that bad decision, but was told it wasn’t his fault. It was the fault of the grown-ups in charge. Thus the seeds of wrong belief are planted. When we blame those around us for our own actions, we never grow up into the kind of responsibility necessary in life.

            I am so sad at the news of these recent events, and I take no pleasure in knowing that I saw reason to be concerned many years ago when accountability was not taught, but my plea is that parents must understand that once a child is able to make a plan to do what they know they should not do, we must teach that actions have consequences and we must own the responsibility for our decisions.