When I Forget

Feeling unsettled inside. On the verge of tears, and cannot explain the inner sadness. I’m short-tempered. I say things with irrational emotion that I don’t really mean. I am forgetful, ungrateful.

It started after I had spent an overnight with my grandbabies and was headed home. I live just far enough away that I don’t get to see them more than once a month, and sometimes longer.  I hate that our time together is so sporadic.

Then, I come home to a husband who is blind, leaving me counters to scrub and dishes to wash. Dinner to fix. Wishing someone could fix dinner for me. Just once. Feeling sorry for myself. Ungrateful, stuck in what I don’t have instead of what I do.

Knowing that the battle is a spiritual one, I have come to the front lines ill-equipped. I have forgotten to take the belt of truth and the breastplate of righteousness and the footgear of readiness for peace. How did I forget? How is it even possible that I could ever forget?

The battle is on-going. Just when I think “I’ve got this!” another fiery dart comes hurling its way at me. This time, I let it find its mark, bringing much pain with it.

I humbly ask for mercy. I need to let go of myself. I seek forgiveness for striving and falling short. I want to know I am still loved, even when so unlovable.

And there He is. Waiting and still. Proving over and over again how my view of myself is not the same as His. When I can let go and just be in His presence, things become right again in my heart.

Let me always know Your presence, Lord. Help me when I forget. I want to never forget.