Disappointments

I’ve had lots of disappointments over the past few months. Really, too many to count. When I think about why I am disappointed, it always comes down to what my expectations are, and how they don’t align with those around me.

I thought I had been handling them pretty well. One after another—a loss of a friendship; people I care about moving far away; children making decisions that aren’t healthy; husband emotionally unavailable; illness and death of loved ones; failures in my profession; lost opportunities for marketing; etc.

Lots of stuff.  Then this morning happened.

First I failed an on-line training for my University position. It’s not earth-shattering, but for me, it kind of is. It will be good to do some remedial work with my colleagues, but it is a humbling experience that I wish I didn’t have to have.

What pushed me over the edge, however, was when I was cutting my morning English Muffin to put into the toaster, I accidently sliced off my guitar callous on my left pointer finger.

My first response was to be horrified.

Then I had to laugh at how this sliced callous was my final straw.  I understand why. Callouses are developed over time, and are necessary for guitar players. Without them, it is rather painful to play.

This instant end to months of creating was eliminated in a fraction of a second. But what came to mind was how symbolic this was of all of the other disappointments that have recently taken place. All of that energy and time spent in developing, now gone in a split.

I am usually pretty good at gratitude on most days. Gratitude is actually my top VIA (Virtues in Action) strength, so I am rather experienced in this arena. I also know full-well that gratitude is the antidote for disappointments and sadness.  Knowing this, I will not stay long in this emotional place, however, now that I’m here, I just want to take a moment and feel into it.

I am allowing myself to feel disappointed. I know that it doesn’t really get me where I want to be, so I won’t remain long, but what it does do for me is that I get to understand more fully why my expectations need a lot of work.

When we act out of love instead of self, we won’t feel let-down. Or if we do, it won’t last.

I am growing here.

Slicing off a long established callous brings a myriad of thoughts and concerns.  How long will it take to re-grow it? Will it hurt tomorrow when I’m playing at church? Will it keep me from playing at my best? Will I bleed on my guitar?

Cutting off my callous is indeed indicative of how I have been dealing with all of life’s disappointments. Will I stay stuck in concern, or will I let it go and move on?

Of course, I already know that answer.