Living a Life That Matters Part 2

            I think one of the hardest parts of knowing that you matter in this life is being able to face your own self. I have spent my entire life trying to undo the damage from a poor self-esteem.  It would be easy to blame those years of  wasted efforts and energy I spent hating myself on everyone else in my world, but the reality is that this was just where Satan wanted me.  There were circumstances that made it difficult for me to feel loved, but the dark reality is that Satan had a grip on me, and he almost won the battle. 

During my junior year of high school, I was suicidal for many months. I had several escape routes planned that no one knew about, because I did not want my parents to have to bear the burden of my suicide.  I had a variety of ideas in mind that would look like an accident, and I spent FAR too many hours plotting my death so that it would look like a tragic accident, not as though I thought so little of my life and my need to live. 

That year, we did a musical, Carnival, and I was the assistant stage manager.  Some lyrics from a song from that show have long stuck in my brain, because they so describe my need to believe that SOMETHING about me mattered in this life. The song is sung by an embittered, handicapped puppeteer named Paul.   He had been injured, and walked with a limp, and was angry at the entire world about it.  He became attracted to the newest addition to the cast, young Lili.  She, however, was smitten by an arrogant, but handsome man, Marco the Magnificent, who lacked integrity, and used women for pleasure and then tossed them aside like empty candy wrappers.  Paul was angry and difficult to be around, however, his true, loving feelings came out through his puppets.  Lili becomes very attached to the puppets, not realizing that the hateful Paul is also the kind and caring heart behind the darling new friends she has made in the puppets. While Paul wrestles with his feelings, he sings:

I’ve got to find a reason

For living on this earth

I’ve got to find a reason

For taking the space I take

Breathing the air I breathe

There’s more to this there’s more to me

Something in me that needs to

Do more than suck the breath from life

Like moss and leaves and weeds do

Holding up my head

Holding down a place

Being worth a name

To go with my face

I’ve got to find a reason

For living on this earth

Something to want

Something to be

Somehow to say,

I am me!

            I sang that song over and over again that year that I was 16, because like this puppeteer Paul, I too had felt that life had not given me a fair shake.  I really believed that there had to be more out there.  I didn’t want to just “suck the breath from life,” I had to know that somehow my life mattered. 

Knowing That We Are Traveling the Right Road

Someone once said, “Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘holy smoke’ what a ride!”  I guess I would have to say, that this would not have been my preferred mode of travel, but it certainly describes the journey that I have lived.  And now looking back, I cannot imagine a life of routine, and always knowing what is coming next.  It would be nice to have SOME clue about the turns in the road that come upon us without a warning, but nevertheless, it is truly the uneven, crooked path that makes life interesting.

Remember when we looked at Ephesians 1:4?  Let’s look at that verse again!  It says,

            “just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world that we should be holy and blameless before Him in love.

             Notice that this verse starts with, “just as.”  That is a comparison, so we have to look at the verse before this one to catch the context.  And in Ephesians 1:3, it says, Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ.  I bet you missed a very important word in this verse!!  See, it says “who HAS blessed us!”  “Has” is PAST tense.  In other words, God already did it.  It has already been taken care of.  So if God has already blessed me with every (notice it says EVERY!) spiritual blessing, then why am I not living that way?  And there is a caveat.  It says that “we SHOULD be holy and blameless before Him in love.”  The word “SHOULD” implies that there needs to be some effort on my part.  Well, THAT is an understatement.  Why just turn on prime time TV any given night, and it is easy to catch a glimpse of much that is completely Un-holy and full of blame --  Sex, drugs, murders, homosexuality, just to name a few.  I don’t think we can find a show on television these days that doesn’t touch on at least ONE of these areas.  So, needless to say, being holy and blameless is not an easy task.  Yet, we are called to do that, and not only to be holy and blameless, but to do so “before Him in love.”  Wow!!  That is a lot to swallow!

I don’t for one second believe that God has called us to be pious, wimpy Christians who use religiosity as a means to look holy and blameless.  I could wear dresses in dark clothing covering most of my body, and never play cards or dance or touch a drop of alcohol, but none of these things in of themselves makes me holy nor blameless. I could live in a sparse room and give all I had to serve others, but even total servitude in of itself does not make me holy and blameless. How do we become holy and blameless?  Well, the answer is still in Ephesians.  We have to keep reading!!

            “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which he lavished upon us.  In all wisdom and insight He made known to us the mystery of His will, according to His kind intention which he purposed in Him.”  Ephesians 1:7-9 

            This part says that through Christ, we are redeemed, and we are forgiven.  Hoo boy, isn’t that a good thing!  I know I sure wouldn’t be holy and blameless on my own!!

Then let’s look at Ephesians 2 where it says that we are “dead in trespasses and sins,” (verse 1) and that while we formally walked according to the world and the prince of the power of the air (meaning Satan, in verse 2), and that we did indulge in the desires of our flesh, (verse 3), but because God loved us so much (verse 4), even though our sins make us dead (verse 5) He seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus (verse 6).  And verse 7 is so awesome, because it tells us why: 

            In order that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. Ephesians 2:7

             So basically this is saying that even though we are screw-ups, and God KNOWS we are basically screw-ups, He makes our sins dead in Christ, and has seated us already with Him in Christ.  So what makes us Holy and Blameless?  Nothing --  except the blood of Christ, and our decision to believe it.  Isn’t that just simply amazing? 

Now this does not give us permission to live a worldly, God-less life, and expect Him to just not notice, however, we do not have to live in a state of sin-consciousness because God already took care of that at the cross.

Living a Life That Matters Part 1

Living a life that matters is really what everyone wants.  We want to know that we were brought into this world for a reason.  We want to know that our existence has made a difference somehow.  I think deep down we all wish that we could have that “Jimmy Stewart moment,” you know – when Clarence the angel allows George Bailey in the Christmas Classic –“It’s a Wonderful Life,” the opportunity to see what things would have been like had he never been born.  While a rather simple man, with a simple life, George didn’t feel all that significant, however, he was given a marvelous gift to see the untold impact his life had on others, and the ripple effect that literally changed a whole culture in an entire town.  Of course Clarence is make believe, and I don’t know of anyone who has experienced a similar gift, but the story is a classic because we all want to believe – that is we NEED to believe that our life truly matters.  And so it is down this journey that I go, looking for a way to know that indeed I have been living a life that truly matters.

How We Matter to God

            The first place to look is how we matter to God.  I don’t think anyone would disagree that each and every one of us matters to our Heavenly Daddy.  Jesus used a wonderful example in Matthew when he was admonishing his disciples to not be anxious for their daily living needs – food, drink, clothing, He says,

             Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not worth much more than they? (Matthew 6:26).

             Now at first reading, this verse did not really impress me.  I mean, c’mon!  Of course I am worth more than some silly ole birds!  The impact of this verse needs to be taken into a context with keeping the right perspective.  It is not saying that my worth is compared to a flock of fine feathered friends.  It is however saying, if God cares so much for some nameless birds, certainly He has a plan for me.

            We know that we matter to God when we look at some of his amazing promises.  For instance – I Corinthians 10:13 tells us that God does not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can handle, but with temptation will provide a way of escape so that you may be able to endure it. Now why would He do that?  Because He knows we will be tempted, and He also knows we will need His help to get out of the mess we find ourselves in.  That is a God who cares about what happens to us!

            Here is another dandy -- Did you realize the depth of Ephesians 1:4 where it says,

             Just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world that we should be holy and blameless before Him in love.

            Do you see that?   He chose us.  He actually chose us.  Now, I know that when I go to a store to buy something, and I have some time to ponder what I really want, I will choose that which will bring me some kind of pleasure – a new dress, some different earrings, or maybe a great cut of steak for dinner.  But because I took the time to choose it, I find that I enjoy it all the more.  Now, I am not comparing you to a juicy steak, mind you, but when we think about being chosen in Him we simply HAVE to think about what that really means.  Remember in Jr. High when teams were chosen?  I never was the captain of a team, because I wasn’t the best athlete in the world.  I was however, pretty well-rounded, and I wasn’t the worst either – in the middle I guess is a good description.  But when those captains would choose their teams, the best players always got picked first.  I will never forget the day when I was the first pick for a game of kickball.  I was chosen first – not just the leftovers.  I was chosen – out of the whole group, it was me first, and then the others.  That is the mind picture I get when I read these words in Ephesians.  He chose us.  We were picked – kind of like looking for the reddest, ripest strawberries in the patch – choosing the ones we KNOW will be dripping in sweet juice.   We skim over the just turning pink ones, and the little green ones, and even the dark, over ripe purple ones, looking for the choicest, the very best ones.  That is what it means to be chosen.  And chosen we are.  But ah reader, keep going – He chose us for a reason.  We weren’t chosen to just sit there looking good.  We were chosen to be “holy and blameless before Him in love.”  We will get to this a bit later, but do hold that thought!

Philippians 2:13 says, for it is God who is at work in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure. Now, why would God be at work in us, unless we matter to Him?  I know I don’t like wasting my time working at something unless it will profit me somehow in the future.  If I did not matter to God, then why would He waste His time working in me?  I am sure there are many more obvious “good causes” for Him to work in.  Now Billy Graham – sure, I can see why God would take the time to work in him.  And how about Mother Teresa?  And then there’s The Pope, and the pastors of large congregations with hundreds of people to care for who hunger to know the Lord, and are looking for divine guidance.  But me?  Heck, I'm just a retired Grandma. Anyone could do that, right?  But don’t you get it?  God is at work in me to will and to do of HIS good pleasure.  It is His good pleasure, not mine. 

Some other promises –

• His peace guards my heart (Philippians 4:7)
• His peace is with me (Philippians 4:9) 
• He strengthens me (Philippians 4:13)
• He supplies all my needs (Philippians 4:19)
• He does more than I can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20)
• I can walk in a manner worthy of the Lord (Colossians 1:10)
• He has given me, not the spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind (II Timothy 1:7)

Stay tuned for more!

A Veil Toward Forgiveness

Normally, I remember people when I have spoken with them— especially when I have seen their name in print. I’ve had a pretty good track record of at least recognizing that I have met someone before, even if I don’t exactly recall the setting.

Last night, however, I experienced something new to me.

I have spent the past four weeks engaged in a school for learning to operate in the power of the Holy Spirit. The class is facilitated by a young man with a sweet and loving heart. I have thoroughly been enjoying each week, and have been excited to get to know the others in the class as we grow together in this deeper work.

This past session, we went into the community to practice hearing God’s voice to bring light and encouragement to others. I ended up in this young leader’s car, and we had an enlightening experience together. On the way back, he said to me, “Linda, you know we have met before, right?”

I didn’t remember him, so I asked him where we met.

When he told me, I was totally astonished. 

First of all, I was surprised that I didn’t recognize him, although it had only been a few years since our meeting. Secondly, I was even more shocked that I didn’t remember him because our earlier meeting was not a good one.

He was running a bookstore, and when my first two books came out in print.  I was hoping to partner with this store to launch my new career as an author.

This young man was most unkind, and his not-at-all subtle rejection was not an easy pill to swallow.

I moved on, but the experience was one I wished to never repeat.

I wondered why I did not recognize him or his name. As soon as he told me, I of course placed the name with face, along with this quite painful memory. I was totally amazed that during this entire four weeks of our course together, I did not make this connection on my own. It was as if a veil was placed over my heart, which was quickly lifted when the timing was just right.

He told me that he was a very different person then, and I instantly felt nothing but complete forgiveness. I could tell he wasn’t sure I meant it, but I genuinely did forgive him.  We hugged, and spent some time together, just chatting.

Two lessons come to mind. First, how easy it is to forgive someone when one gets to see the other in a fully positive light. Second, how important it is to not allow the past to be a filter for the present.

I am so grateful that I was not biased by my previous encounters, and able to completely embrace this new setting without preconceived thoughts. It is so easy to put labels on others. I might have dismissed this loving leader in light of our unfortunate prior meeting. It would have been easy to be untrusting and on-guard.

Instead, I was kept in the dark—almost like a veil over my memory banks—until I had a well-established new truth about this leader. 

I wonder if I would have remained reserved, and guarded had it been otherwise.

Thankfully, for whatever reason, things happened in a much better way.  Forgiveness is so much easier without the hurt attached.

Front Doors

Today during my morning walk, I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to pay attention to the doors of all of the houses in my neighborhood. I have walked by these homes countless times, but frankly, I never before paid full attention to only the doors. It was actually quite intriguing.

First, I wondered about the decision to have a storm door or not. When we bought our home, it did not have a screened storm door, and that was one of the very first things we added. It is important for us to have the front door open as much as possible, allowing a fresh breeze in. Of course on hot summer days and the frigid days of winter, the door remains closed, but as much as possible the door is open. I think this sends the message, “you are welcome here.” That is certainly very true for us.

While on my walk, I noticed there were a few homes without storm doors. I took note of that along the way. Some had such beautiful, ornate front doors, it was obvious the owners did not want anything detracting from the main entrance they had selected. Some looked as though there might have been a storm door at one time, but may have become in disrepair, leaving a bit of hardware behind.  Others seemed to just be without a storm door because the door was not used much. To me this seemed to express a somewhat “not welcome” tone.

I also noted the decision regarding color of the main door. Some chose to match trim around the rest of the house, while others had doors with a totally different pop of color. About half were simply white. Some had ornate windows; others had side windows. Some had fancy detailing; others very simple. Some had beautiful decorations regaling the door. Others remained unadorned.

What struck me most about this attention to the neighborhood doors is that no two were alike. Not anywhere. This made me think how the doors to our minds are very similar. We do not take in information the same as one another. We do not embrace the outside world the same, and we certainly do not shield ourselves from what we don’t want in the same manner.

As I am pondering the differences of the doors in my neighborhood, I am struck by the thought as to how we each receive the truth of God in our lives. Some of us have an open front door, with just a bug screen between to filter out the unwanted pests, but freely allow the goodness of the Holy Spirit to enter in. Jesus said, “I stand at the door and knock.” If my front door is open, I can so easily hear Him, even at a whisper.  If I have created a fortress, or a façade of overly ornate coverings, it might be harder to create an open invitation. Do I need the colors just so, and everything so perfect that it makes it difficult to be open to something other than my own design? Do I have the resemblance of an opening, but really don’t expect it to be used much, preferring to enter another way? Are my decorations and designs that I have created more important than those who actually come inside?

Perhaps I am simply making too much of a connection here, but the point is, we do all maintain our own entryways. Some more than others.

So how open are you to receiving the One who stands and knocks?

Where I Don't Want to Be

Today, I’m feeling a bit blue. Yesterday marked the twentieth anniversary of my father’s passing, and today is now nine years since my late husband left this life. I don’t know if that is why the sadness is here or not.  I have also had a relapse in my skin problem around my eyes, reminding me of this thorn in the flesh that is such an incredible annoyance.

So with my itchy, swollen, and rather hideous eyes, and my sad heart, I am once again feeling alone.

I wonder if this is how Jesus felt when he was praying in the garden for there to be another way out, and his friends couldn’t bother to stay awake in prayer for him? I wonder how many other times prior to this that he felt that no one understood what was happening.  That had to be moments filled with loneliness for him.

I wonder if this is how Jonah felt when he knew he had been disobedient and was getting thrown overboard. He stayed in the belly of the great fish for three days and three nights. I wonder what he was feeling?  Abandoned? Alone? Asked to do what he dreaded most?

I wonder if this is how Deborah felt when she tried to get Barak to get off his duff and provide leadership? Did she use the feelings she had to rise into her calling?

Or what about Joseph who was sold into slavery and then thrown into prison for being righteous and pure in heart? How must he have felt when others promised they would not forget him there, and did?

How about when Jesus was crucified and his disciples were left feeling helpless and lost?

When Peter and Paul were thrown into prison multiple times—did they even for a moment think about how alone they were? If they did, it sure didn’t last.

So now, I am pondering their resilience. How did they so quickly take their situation and turn it into the glory of God?  How did they stay their mind on the rock of Christ so that their emotions didn’t overtake their thoughts?

Today, I am calling on that power to overcome the destructive thoughts that lead to a spiral downward into self. This is never a good place to be.

As I am typing these words, I already am feeling a lift in my spirit. It is such a blessing to know that God never leaves us where we do not want to be.

Grateful!

Breaker Anointing

My father was a Lieutenant in the Army during WWII. His troops were the front of the very front lines (scouts for the land artillery).  Dad didn’t like to talk much about the war. I only knew a few stories, the most compelling being the liberation of Dachau. His men were the first American soldiers to step foot into the camp on that day of freedom. What he remembered most was the overwhelming stench of death that assaulted every soldier, even miles before they arrived at the concentration camp, causing each one of them to vomit their breakfast before actually entering into that horrendous scene. 

I visited Dachau in 1973. Standing before the photographs displayed in their visitor’s center was almost more than I could bear. I cannot imagine what my father felt seeing these skeletal survivors in the flesh. I can’t begin to fathom the bittersweet joy of bringing freedom to these tortured souls.

I am reminded of this story because lately, I am hearing prophesy regarding the breaker anointing that is upon me. I am in awe and wonder at what it means to be a barrier breaker. I know this is my purpose, and I see inklings of preparation and training all along the way of my life’s journey.

My first thought is how could this be? Yet, remembering my father’s legacy as an officer leading his men into such an amazing act of deliverance into freedom, I now realize that, of course, this is my inheritance. The gift from my father is in my DNA to break open the chains that bind God’s people in darkness. It is my destiny to help destroy the barriers that keep others from tasting the goodness of the light of Christ. I hope I never have to witness the horror of freeing prisoners from a concentration camp, along with its attached emotional upheaval, and yet, in my heart of hearts, I also know that bringing a soul from death to life is really the same thing.

Yesterday, I had a word of prophecy spoken over me that my name should not be Locke, but rather “UnLock.”

I am excited to see how God is going to reveal more of this purpose in me, as I partner with Him in the Kingdom work of Jesus.

What's Next?

In my prayer time this week, I was asking about why, when I am speaking, my words are so very often misunderstood. Somehow, the intent behind them quite often seems to be received as stronger and far more forceful than I perceive them or want them to be.

This time, an answer came that has me still rather much in shock.

In my purpose work, I have learned that my identity is to be a barrier-breaker and a light bearer. I love understanding this because I can see, throughout my entire lifetime, this thread of truth in breaking barriers that will allow the light of Christ to enter in. What I didn’t ever know, however, was what the Holy Spirit just revealed to me.

This is an exact quote: “Linda, don’t you realize that your words have hammers attached to them?”

While pondering this for a bit, She added, “You are a barrier-breaker. Remember? You have hammers attached to your words.”

I am still trying to sort out several pieces of this revelation.

First, as soon as I heard Her say that I have hammers attached to my words, I knew in my heart of hearts it was true.

Then, almost as quickly as this affirmation came, so did my questioning heart. Why, oh why, oh why has it taken me 62 years to recognize this? I instantly ran through a host of difficult conversations and arguments that I have had over the years. Thoughts of unpleasant discussions and public meetings that did not go well immediately flashed through my brain. All I could think of was, “Why didn’t I know this sooner?” I could see how I might have been able to soften my words, had I known.  I have been unaware of this for my entire life, although I always knew something wasn't how I wanted it to be. Over the years, I have worked very hard on recognizing my tone of voice, my body language, and my word choice, yet I didn't understand that the energy attached to my words is different from that of others.

The next thing that happened was anger.

Would my first marriage not have ended in divorce if I’d been able to recognize the unintended force behind my words? Would my second marriage have been a happier one before my husband’s untimely death had I only known? Would my colleagues have wanted to collaborate more with me, had I known that I was hammering my thoughts at them without even knowing my own strength? 

Then the sadness came.

Why do these lessons take so long? How can I be such a quick study in the natural world and such a slow learner in spiritual work?

Now, I am simply pondering. My name, Linda, means soft and tender. Yet, now I see that my words have hammers attached to them. No wonder I’ve been confusing to everyone, including myself! I can’t go back and change a thing, although I surely wish I could.

Now that I have the spiritual eyes to see, I am ready to learn what is next.

How might I use my hammer-words to bring victory to those in chains? What barriers can be broken from the words of my lips? How might I be able to use this gift to glorify the One who made me?

What now?

What’s next?

Disappointments

I’ve had lots of disappointments over the past few months. Really, too many to count. When I think about why I am disappointed, it always comes down to what my expectations are, and how they don’t align with those around me.

I thought I had been handling them pretty well. One after another—a loss of a friendship; people I care about moving far away; children making decisions that aren’t healthy; husband emotionally unavailable; illness and death of loved ones; failures in my profession; lost opportunities for marketing; etc.

Lots of stuff.  Then this morning happened.

First I failed an on-line training for my University position. It’s not earth-shattering, but for me, it kind of is. It will be good to do some remedial work with my colleagues, but it is a humbling experience that I wish I didn’t have to have.

What pushed me over the edge, however, was when I was cutting my morning English Muffin to put into the toaster, I accidently sliced off my guitar callous on my left pointer finger.

My first response was to be horrified.

Then I had to laugh at how this sliced callous was my final straw.  I understand why. Callouses are developed over time, and are necessary for guitar players. Without them, it is rather painful to play.

This instant end to months of creating was eliminated in a fraction of a second. But what came to mind was how symbolic this was of all of the other disappointments that have recently taken place. All of that energy and time spent in developing, now gone in a split.

I am usually pretty good at gratitude on most days. Gratitude is actually my top VIA (Virtues in Action) strength, so I am rather experienced in this arena. I also know full-well that gratitude is the antidote for disappointments and sadness.  Knowing this, I will not stay long in this emotional place, however, now that I’m here, I just want to take a moment and feel into it.

I am allowing myself to feel disappointed. I know that it doesn’t really get me where I want to be, so I won’t remain long, but what it does do for me is that I get to understand more fully why my expectations need a lot of work.

When we act out of love instead of self, we won’t feel let-down. Or if we do, it won’t last.

I am growing here.

Slicing off a long established callous brings a myriad of thoughts and concerns.  How long will it take to re-grow it? Will it hurt tomorrow when I’m playing at church? Will it keep me from playing at my best? Will I bleed on my guitar?

Cutting off my callous is indeed indicative of how I have been dealing with all of life’s disappointments. Will I stay stuck in concern, or will I let it go and move on?

Of course, I already know that answer.

Because Sometimes I Forget

Sometimes I forget who I am. I am reminding myself:

Jesus says I am His friend (John 15:14-15).

I have all that I need (Philippians 4:19).

I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37).

I am a joint-heir with Christ (Romans 8:17).

I can do all things (Philippians 4:13).

I can come boldly to the throne (Hebrews 4:16).

I am an intercessor (I Timothy 2:1-3).

I have the ministry of reconciliation (II Corinthians 5:18).

I am a living epistle (II Corinthians 3:3).

I have the Holy Spirit who teaches me the deep thing of God (I Corinthians 2:10).

I am comforted and can comfort others (II Corinthians 1:4).

I am a new creation (II Corinthians 5:17).

I am an ambassador for Christ (II Corinthians 5: 20).

I can bring every thought unto the obedience of Christ (II Corinthians 10:5).

God makes me strong in my weakness (II Corinthians 12:10).

I will reap a harvest if I don’t give up (Galatians 6:9).

I am chosen and blameless (Ephesians 1:4).

I am already seated in Heaven (Ephesians 2:6).

I have the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17).

I can know how to give a Godly answer to everyone who asks (Ephesians 4:6).

I have a spirit of power, love and a sound mind (II Timothy 1:7).

I am strong in grace (II Timothy 2:1).

My prayers are powerful and effective (James 5:16).

I am called to be a blessing (I Peter 3:9).

I am forgiven and purified (I John 1:9).

I have overcome evil (I John 4:4).

And as my mentor is teaching me, "God plus nothing equals everything." 

An Encouraging Word Makes a Difference

I grew up feeling like I was the “dumbest” one in my family. My oldest brother is an aerospace engineer. He often wears a t-shirt saying, “Actually, I am a Rocket Scientist!” My other brother has a PhD in physics and runs a lithography company. They create computer chips in the Silicon Valley and he spends half his time in Tokyo. This brother received a perfect 800 on his SAT’s prior to entering college.

I followed along, two years later, growing up in a small town with footprints ahead of me too overwhelming to fill. Being the baby, I didn’t even try.

My mother was very proud of her boys, and was actually quite the braggart in regards to their accomplishments.  I overheard her multiple times telling others about their achievements, and sometimes the person would say, “don’t you also have a daughter?”  Quickly, my mother would add, “Oh yes, she’s a wonderful baker. She just won a blue ribbon at the county fair with her cookies.”

Needless to say, these experiences did not help me to see myself as one who could achieve.

During my junior year in High School, my AP (Advanced Placement) History teacher decided that I was not up to par with the rest of my classmates, so she began to seek out my former teachers from my elementary and junior high years.  Most of the teachers she spoke with did not remember me. They did, however, remember my brothers quite well.

I’m sure this teacher meant well, but she took it upon herself to ask me to stay after school to meet with her. Now this was already an issue, since I lived about four miles from the school and would be missing my bus to meet with her. That meant I would have to walk home. It sounded important, and back then, we didn’t argue with those in authority, so I showed up.

Mrs. History Teacher began to tell me, as delicately as she could, that she believed I wasn’t college material. She told me that just because my brothers were academically successful didn’t mean that I had to set myself up to try and follow in their footsteps. She told me I should consider a different path for my future.

Devastated, I trudged the whole four miles home in tears, vowing to do something about my life and not letting Mrs. History Teacher define who I was.

Several years later, I was in an elementary teaching university program that required a field experience at the start of a school year. It is customary for all of a district’s staff to meet with a convocation on the first day back. I was observing in a second grade classroom with a friend’s mother. As we sat in the auditorium together waiting for the superintendent’s first day message, Mrs. History Teacher walked by and said, “Linda, I didn’t expect to ever see you in a school again!” I smiled sweetly, saying, “I guess I will be in schools for the rest of my life now!” I felt empowered, but I still didn’t have an inkling of what was inside of me.

I taught for several years, and then decided to stay home with my children. During that time, I was looking for a way to make a little extra cash. A friend was staying at our house due to some unfortunate life-circumstances, and she had placed an ad in our local newspaper for house cleaning positions, using my phone number as her contact (this was way before cell phones!). Her circumstances improved and she left shortly after, but it was too late. The calls came to my phone number. I hadn’t planned on cleaning houses, but this seemed to be a way to make some cash and still be mostly home with my children.

One of the homes where I cleaned was with an amazing woman. She was indeed the best mentor of my life. This woman had a PhD in nursing, and while retired, her wisdom about every aspect of life continually flowed out of her. After my second week cleaning her home, she asked me why I was cleaning houses. She said she knew that I was destined for so much more. She wondered why I was not pursuing a graduate degree.

Over the weeks, this lovely lady encouraged me to see myself with fresh eyes. I was no longer the “dumbest” one in my family. She saw in me intelligence and potential. Each week, as I dusted and cleaned her home, she continued to pour into me what I needed to take the steps to apply for a graduate program.

The following fall, I was enrolled full-time in a Master’s program. It was there, now at age, twenty-nine, that I began to see myself as something other than dumb. I shared with one of my professors how I grew up being the dumbest one in my family. He laughed and said, “Ya know, if one were to look at the IQ score differences between Albert Einstein and Albert Schweitzer, I am sure that would be a huge difference in those numbers. But really, would we portray Albert Schweitzer as dumb?”

Those words literally changed my life. I now have a PhD in Educational Leadership, and I teach pre-service teachers and principals how to be the best they can be. My experiences have shown me that we cannot put people in boxes with labels. We all have purpose and value, and we don’t live out our destiny by believing other people’s opinions about what we can and cannot do.

I am grateful for my life’s path, because I believe God is using my previous pain and struggles to be the difference in the lives of others. I would have it no other way!

Feelings

Feelings.

Today, I am feeling distant from all that is good.

I don’t feel God’s presence.

I don’t feel a sense of peace.

I don’t feel happy.

I don’t really feel sad, but something just isn’t right.

Off-kilter.

I know that spiritually, the world is in turmoil. Fires, floods, hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, murders, drug over doses, deaths. So much anger and hatred all around.

I am sitting and trying to be still, remembering He is God. I am not.

I don’t understand why I feel so alone. I know I am not. I know that the Holy Spirit is with every breath I take. I know that Jesus is as close as my heartbeat. Yet, all around me is angst and unsettledness.

 I have no close friends nearby. My husband is distracted and internally stuck at the moment. When he is like this, he needs his space. Everything I say becomes an argument. I have learned that it is best to be still. I know he won’t stay there long, and so that isn’t an issue, really.

Being still has been a life-long endeavor to learn. I’m nowhere near there yet.  Today, I will stay in prayer until the perfect peace of Jesus replaces my unsettled thoughts.

Today, I will draw closer than ever, because otherwise, I will be swallowed up in current.

Today, I will rest in who I am, but most important, who He is. And I am grateful.

It is Enough

As I am learning to grow into my purpose and calling to be a light-bearer and barrier breaker, I still am feeling quite ineffective. I know people feel safe sharing their hearts with me, and yet, I am still not in a place where I have insight for them. I don’t see amazing breakthroughs, and I am not aware of any tangible help I have provided. Other than intercessory prayer, I am pretty much not at all where I expected to be by now.

Today, I have been a listener, and a forgiver. I have been a sounding board and have acted out of love instead of judgement.  I have not, however, been the carrier of the light of Christ that I think I should be.

Yet, I am reminded that it isn’t me at all. The light of Christ is in me and on me, and I don’t have to do or say anything to bring Jesus into the room.

It is very freeing to know that I don’t have to do anything to live out my purpose. If I am a light-bearer, then simply my presence brings His presence. How awesome is that?

Then, why do I still feel inadequate, and as though it is not enough? What a privilege it is carry the light of Christ with me wherever I go. The very nature of His perfect light dispels the darkness. The minute I am expecting something out of me to be the difference, I defeat the whole point.

It isn’t about me.

It never was.

And that is enough.

Today is My Birthday

Today is my 62^nd birthday. When I was a child, 60 sounded so old. We would pretend to be as old as 60 by walking hunched over with a cane, and using a feeble, shaky voice. So here I am, still feeling like I am 30 inside, and wondering why we thought this age was what is now about 90.

In my brain, I still feel like I could do ten cartwheels in a row, or somersault down a hill over and over again. Of course, experience has taught me that those types of activities make me instantly dizzy now, but I truly feel like I could do it if I had to.

My children took me out for dinner early because tonight I teach at our local University. As I am preparing for my teaching, I keep thinking about how blessed my life has been. I am so very grateful for the bumpy road I have traveled, because I know that it was by tripping over the rocks along the way, I have learned valuable lessons that could not have been learned any other way. I wouldn’t change a thing, even though it seems like it took a ridiculous amount of time to finally get it. I mean, six decades plus two more years is certainly not what one would call the fast-paced course!

As I sit in gratitude, so blessed to be able to teach and to spend time with my children and grandchildren, I am reminded how fragile life is.

Hurricane Irma is heading closer to shore, and I pray for those who will be in its path. I am concerned for their safety, and I pray they will hear God’s voice to move where they need to be.

Also, I am continuing in prayer for the victims of Hurricane Harvey as they are still looking at many months of cleanup ahead of them. May they feel the love and support of others as they rebuild their lives.