Sadness is an emotion that I don’t like to embrace. The sadness road is scary for me
because it reminds me of a very troubled and dark time during my teen years
when sadness drifted into depression which in turn, led to very real and very
serious suicidal thoughts. Now, I am
mostly upbeat, optimistic, and joyful, so when a genuine reason to feel sad
comes about, I don’t much know what to do with those feelings.
Tonight I feel sad.
I am sad about a part of me that feels lost. This part of me that really was much of my identity for
about 4 decades is fading. This
part is not really who I am any more and I am sad about that. When I am around others who excel in
this arena, I feel even sadder. I
think about what might have been had I chosen to focus more on this part and
less on all of the rest. I didn’t
make that choice, and I know it was the right thing to do, but I didn’t count
on losing this part of me that used to be mostly me and now is not.
It’s ok to be sad.
I can be sad and not fear a tumble down into the abyss again. I’m just not very good at sadness. I don’t like it much. I am a fixer. I always think there should be a way to piece together the brokenness. But there really isn’t. This is the new me – the result of
decisions and choices that I have made to put my energies in other
directions. Joy comes in the
morning. It always has. So for now I will feel into the sadness
and be grateful that I can and know everything is still ok.
Jesus was sad when his disciples couldn’t stay awake at the
most horrifying time in his life.
He knew what kind of torture and death was imminent and asked His
closest companions to pray with Him.
Instead, they fell asleep.
And not just once! Even after
he woke them up and asked them to stand with him, they slept again. I cannot even fathom that level of
sadness. I think sometimes we are
sad when we realize that no one can restore or prevent the unfolding of
life. Allowing ourselves the right
to feel sad helps us move forward.
So for tonight, I am just going to be sad.
