Today in my devotions, I finally understood for really the
very first time the reason for so much pain in my heart growing up. I ached for knowing what it felt like
to be loved and I searched so hard to learn how to be loveable. I know now that this barren hole in the
very core of my being was necessary so that I could begin to grasp the extent
of God’s love. Only He can fill
the empty heart. I finally
understand that I needed to know beyond a shadow of any doubt that NOTHING in this
world – not the love of parents or a lover or children or cookies or any other
thing I have used to fill the void could ever really satisfy this longing
heart.
II Corinthians 4:6-7 says: “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his
light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of
God in the face of Christ. But we
have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is
from God and not from us.”
I don’t know why it has taken me so long to really get
it. I have been angry at God for
allowing me to get to the very brink of death so many times through my pain. I thought that if He REALLY loved me,
He would have ended the pain sooner.
I really felt abandoned by Him because I didn’t understand the big
lesson.
I know He sent angels to me to stop me from my suicide
attempts. I know He had His hand
in my self-destructive paths when a step further down that wrong road would
have been irreversible. But I
didn’t allow Him to truly fill my heart.
I was still seeking elsewhere for what only HE can do.
I get it now.
And I am so sorry that it took me this long. I will bask in the embrace of His loving arms, knowing that
He was really there all along. It
had to hurt Him to allow me to suffer, but He knew what it would take for me to
finally surrender every little crevice of my heart. I get it now.
Finally.
