I'm Not There Yet...But I Sure Am Better

As another year is ending, I have been reflecting on personal growth and my spiritual walk.  I am certainly not at all satisfied with either area, but I do know that I am not the same as I was last year.  While far from my goals for becoming more Christ-like, I would like to think I am slower to anger and quicker to love and forgive.  I would like to think that I have asked for less about me and more about others.  I would like to think that I have asked more often to have my Father’s eyes and less about trying to fix things.  I'm not there yet, but I sure am better.

I have been stressed and at peace.  I have been unsettled and I have been comforted.  I have been sad and I have been filled with delight.  I have been exhausted beyond measure and I have been rested and restored.  I have been despondent and I have been thrilled.   I have been overly talkative and I have been introspective.  I have been worried, and I have felt secure.  I have felt need and I have been satisfied.  I have been weak in the flesh and I have been strong in the spirit.  I have been self-absorbed and I have given of myself to others.  I have been self-centered and I have been selfless.  I have been angry and I have been loving.   I have felt defeated and I have felt success.  I have been so consumed that I didn’t notice the weather, and I have reveled at the sight of sunsets and sunrises; stars and rainbows.  I have been consumed by busy-ness and I have been still to hear His voice. 

I have seen so many of those I care about go through loss and pain and I have seen hurting people find joy in placing God at their center.  I have seen struggles and victories.  I have seen death and I have seen new babies just born.  I have shared tears and I have shared laughter with others.  I have been lonely and I have been loved.

When I think about this year of 2013, I know I am not where I want to be… but I sure am better.  I want there to be more of Him and less of me.  I want to relish the good times and to be grateful even when its hard.  I can see that I am definitely more resilient in my thinking and certainly more forgiving of myself when I still mess it up and fall short of the mark.

Bringing in the New Year is framed in hope.  I know I haven't arrived yet, but I sure am better!

I Can Do This!

 Devastating news.  Felt like a kick in the solar plexus.  I could not believe I was the last to know, and perhaps that might have been the most hurtful part.  When I heard the news, it was all about me.  What will I do?  How will I cope?  How will I have time to do this?  More work and more stress for me and I can’t handle it!

Then, I decided to think about why I had some time off of work.  It was Thanksgiving.  Time to be with my family and be grateful for what I have.  So, I managed to bracket the reality from work, and enjoy my holiday with those I love.

But today, I am back home and am reminded of what I am facing, and again the “poor me” syndrome started again.  Until…… I remembered my daily prayer.  I ask God to use me for HIS Kingdom purposes.  I ask him every morning to help me make a difference in the life of someone.  And now, I have FINALLY been able to reframe this very hard news.  God is going to bring someone else into my life and He must have a very good reason for it.  I will embrace it, and know that He will give me what I need to handle this and more if I need to.

I don’t like it.  It is not MY plan.  But then again, it never really is.

Spoiled or Abundantly Blessed?

This morning as I was putting clean 800 thread count cobalt blue sheets that match my comforter set onto my Tempur-pedic bed, I was overcome with a sense of grief for those who are cold and have no bed to call their own.  I was kicking out of the way, the growing pile of Christmas gifts for my family that has started to gather at my bedside for this season of giving, and again, my heart was broken for those who don't know how they will be able to give a gift at all to those they love.  I know I am spoiled and have so much to be grateful for.  I have been blessed with so much, yet I am filled with grief that there are so many hurting people in this world.  I also don't know what to do to really help make a difference. 

I wrestle with guilt – I have so many blessings upon blessings, while others have nothing but anguish and need.  Yet I have no desire to give up my many comforts.  I certainly give – often and generously, but never enough to make me have any lack.  I know God has never called His people to give up everything unless He has a plan to pay back even more fully.  I am not afraid to trust Him, but I don’t want to really suffer – hence the guilt.

I haven’t always had such abundance.  I know what it is like to not have money for food or bills.  I also don’t ever really want to go back to that experience again.  It was not fun.  But even when I had no clue how I would eat the next day, I was warm and I had a comfortable bed and running water.  I have never REALLY suffered like so many in the world do.  I know that the poor will always be with us, but it just seems that there is such a HUGE gap between the very rich and the very poor.

Dear God, please find a warm place for those in need tonight.  My heart breaks for their suffering.  Help them to know You as Sustainer and Provider, as I have known You.  Help them see their way out of their need and into Your abundance.  Help me to know how to be a wise giver, and to have Your eyes when I need them.

Tired

Just when I think I can't deal with one more thing, there are nine more things that need my immediate attention.  And so, without thinking, I just address each one as best I can -- just doing each task without thinking about how much stuff there is hitting me at once.  Just dealing with the task at hand.

Being the "big picture" kinda gal that I am, this actually takes great focus and effort for me to NOT think ahead but to be in the moment with what I have going on -- and ONLY that.  It is real work for me!  But as I get through each of the things thrown at me, and finally get to the end of my day, I realize it was another win!  I handled life.  I was my best that I could be, doing the work God has called me to do.  But I'm tired.

What I WANT is a beachfront house with no one needing anything from me.  I want days with no plans, no meetings, no appointments, no one expecting things from me.  But knowing myself, I would only enjoy this kind of life for about 2 days, and then I would start making plans.  How much better to know that God has made BETTER plans for me -- plans to prosper me and NOT harm me.  Plans to give me hope and a future.  Thanks for the great reminder, Jeremiah!

I also want to know when it finally ends.  When does the rat race of life finally become the blessings of living in eternity with Christ?  I am so ready for Christ's return.  I am ready to say that this work is done.  Yet, the reality is -- God says it isn't.  He says there are more people that need to know His love and I am supposed to give it.  He says there are more people who need to know who Jesus is and I am supposed to tell them.  He says there are more people who need an encouraging word, and I am supposed to give it.  So, I will breathe, and muster it up, for another day is about to begin.  Wonder what He has in store for me today?

I Have Much To Learn

I haven't blogged for quite awhile.  It isn't because I haven't had much to think about or that I am not still being taught many new lessons.  Daily, I am amazed at how much I still have to learn.  What I do know now that I didn't know before is that we just aren't ever "there."  When I was a young girl, I thought that college kids were the most amazing people in the world.  They seemed so vibrant and energized and eager.  I told myself that one day, I too would be a college kid.  Then when I became a college kid, I realized that this wasn't an ending point in the growing process.  I knew I had much to learn and even more to unlearn, and the journey was not an easy one.

Then, as a college student, I longed to be a wife and mother.  I told myself that when I made it to this point of having a family, then I would be fulfilled and truly happy.  While I loved motherhood more than any other time of my life, things still won't really go as planned.  Perhaps it was too many "Leave It To Beaver" episodes under my belt, but I really believed that any family concern could be resolved simply with good communication.  What I didn't realize was that it takes much more than talking.  It takes changing, and forgiving, and patience, and resilience, and growing.  And when one partner is willing to go through those growing pains and the other is not, stability goes right out the window.

I have learned to trust God and not people.  I have learned to expect bumps in the road, but to know that God has me in His hands.  I have learned that people will always let you down, but we need to love them anyway.  I have learned that life is hard and that there really isn't an age that will feel like I finally made it (until Heaven, that is).  I have learned that everyone has a story and a personal journey they must make.  I have learned that loving others is the heart of making a difference in this life.  I have learned that we need each other, so we better learn quickly how to resolve our differences.  I have learned the grass is NOT greener over in that spot we think it might be.  I have learned that the lessons will keep coming.  I have learned that nothing is really easy, and if it is, it probably isn't going to stay that way for long.  I have learned that living in the present is how to find joy and peace.  I have learned that I need to feel God close to me with every breath, or I won't be OK.  I have learned that I still have much to learn.

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

57 years old.  Female. Daughter. Friend. Student. Ex-wife. Mother (x3). Widow. Fiancé.  Singer. Guitar Player. Teacher. Substitute Teacher. Graduate student (x 3). College Professor. Principal. Speaker. Writer. Praise and Worship Leader.  Soon to be Ph.D.

            These are the terms that have defined something of me that have made me me. But even as a whole, they still cannot describe the very essence of who I am.

            What have I told myself about who I am?

Unworthy. Unloved. Not good enough. Unacceptable. Imperfect. Too emotional. Falling short. Fat. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Lacking Self-control and Gentleness. Talks too much. Feels too much. Gullible. Naïve. Good Friend. Dependable. Honest. Capable. Eager. Compelled. Passionate. Loving. Caring. Giving. Empathetic. Experienced. Risk-taker. Seeker. Learner. Enthusiastic. Growing. Wise (in some areas). Knowledgeable. Willing.

            Who does scripture say that I am?

Beloved. Cherished. Child of God. Heir to His Kingdom. Friend of Jesus. Part of the body of Christ.  Teacher. Forgiven. Healed. Whole. More than a Conqueror.  Justified.  Redeemed.  Sanctified.  Saint.  Peacemaker. Lover of the Brethren. Having the mind of Christ.  Created in His Image. God’s Partner in Miracle Delivery.  God’s Partner in Delivering Healing. Salt of the Earth.  Living Epistle—known and read of all men.  The Light of the world. Fellow-Laborer. Crucified with Christ. Strong in the Lord.

            What does this say to my heart about who I am?

            I realize that what drives me most of the time is love.  While I have felt unloved for much of my life, I know that to have love, we need to be love.  Out of love comes compassion and a willing heart to help and serve others.  This is not, however, the new name that God has given me. 

            A New Name

            When God gave His people a new name, it was because he was going to change their character.  A new name allows us to see ourselves differently as we grow into the person God has called us to be.  God has shared my new name with me.  I don’t understand it yet, but I know when the time is right he will reveal the path I must take to grow into my new name.  “To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone, a new name written which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.”  Revelations 2:17.

Who am I?  I am His Child.  Waiting.

Don't Look Back

This morning, during my early morning walk, I came upon the neighborhood deer herd.  There are a pack of deer that roam through our neighborhood, and typically there are about 5 that are together most of the time, but I have counted 9 at once.  Today, there were 3 that had just crossed the neighborhood street where I was walking.  The youngest one turned toward me, and actually started moving toward me.  Knowing how unpredictable deer can be, I crossed the street to give a wider berth for them.  The younger one took a few steps towards me, so I stopped walking.  All at once, the younger one bounded back across the street and headed for a row of pine trees from the direction they came.  The other two took off in the opposite direction, but kept looking back for their young friend who was no longer with them.

I thought about how we often think going back from where we came is the better idea.  It was comfortable there.  It was known.  It was predictable.  It felt better than forging ahead into what lay ahead.  But then I realized that the poor young deer was now in a much worse predicament.  He was alone, and had no friends.  He now had more territory to cover to catch up to the rest. 

The good thing about deer is they want to stay in their pack, so I am sure that the others waited until young-one could get it together and rejoin them again.

This is not necessarily the case with us.  We stay stuck if we keep looking back, like the Israelites, wishing they had never left the slavery of Egypt because the desert held too many unknowns.  Growth requires forging ahead, even when it looks very scary.  Even the bondage of slavery can look good (or a familiar group of trees) if we don’t trust the One leading us forward.

Lesson of the day:  Look ahead and not back, and remember that the present means knowing where we came from is not as good as where we are going.  Being in the present means that we will trust the one leading us every step of the way, even if the way forward looks too hard.

I Don't Speak Deer

This morning on my walk, as I neared home, there were some deer very close to me.  One turned and ran quickly into the thicket.  A second one stared at me for quite some time, not taking her eyes off of me for a second, and her perked ears moving only once.  While in this stare-down with Deer #2, a third deer came onto the scene.  This one turned straight toward me and also began the stare-down.  But this one, stamped its front hoof as well – several times.  I was gently asking what he wanted, because I really don’t speak “deer.”  He kept doing this several times, and it made me wonder about the communication we all attempt and how much is missed in the understanding.  I am sure that this deer had a clear goal to make sure I knew he meant business (they were quite  forceful stomps!).  But I don’t know if it meant “go away” or if it meant “are you safe?”  These are certainly very different things.  What I do know, however, is that God takes care of the deer that roam in the fields behind my house as well as the beautiful birds that visited my feeder this morning.  They don’t fret, they don’t worry because they know they will have what they need.  Psalm 104 says:

             How many are your works, O Lord!  In wisdom you made them all; the earth is

            full of your creatures…these all look to you to give them their food at the proper

            time.  When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they

             are satisfied with good things (vs. 24, 27-28).

Oh I have so much to learn from God’s creatures!  And even if I don't speak, "deer" they certainly have spoken to me today.

Shedding The Skin I'm In

Much as I do not like things with exoskeletons or snakes and other critters that shed their skins, today, I had an “aha” moment when I realized what an amazing analogy these creatures provide for me in my spiritual walk.  It seems to me that in this growing process,  things go along just fine, when all of a sudden, I don’t feel right in the skin that I am in.  I feel as though I need to burst open and grow a new boundary – a new outer shell for myself.  Much as a snake sheds its skin and emerges fresh and new (ewwww, did I just use a snake in my writing???), I can see how God is working in me to want to shed my current shell so he can create something new in me that is bigger and better.  The crayfish is another great example (or anything else with its skeleton on the outside).  In order to grow, they HAVE to get rid of their old exterior.  They break out of it and emerge new.

My prayer for today is to shed my current skin, and for God’s Holy Spirit to create something new that is too big for me to stay the way I am right now.  Breaking open and breaking free – we need to embrace this process if we want to grow.

New Year's Fun

So I had a real adult, grown-up New Year's Eve last night. Fun times with fun friends at grown-up places with no children in sight. Doesn't happen often. We had a great meal at the Dublin Pub with an awesome Irish band, and then to Wiley's Comedy Club. It was fun and a good time, but here are my take aways:

* The owner of the Comedy Club has been at this for 30 years. But why does there have to be 15 "f" words in a three-minute segment? Does this make you funnier? No.

* One does not have to make belittling Christian jokes to be funny either -- they weren't really horrid, but subtly disrespectful enough to stab my heart a few times. Made me feel sorry for everyone in the room laughing because it meant they don't have a real relationship with Abba Father.

* At one point, I felt disconnected from the entire place and just looked around as though I were not part of the group. I saw such empty hollow laughter, and people working hard to find happiness. I felt immediately blessed that I could come and have a fun change of pace but I don't NEED to fill my life with these events to be happy.

I really did have a good time, and I was blessed to be with Jon and friends, but I think the blessings came more from knowing that this lifestyle is not needed to know the joy of being a servant in Christ. My friend Julie Loudenback shared a blog on FB about her family's fun New Years Eve -- enjoying games and junk food and laughter together. Frankly, this is what it should be about. New Year's is actually more fun with children around. I am starting to miss the little ones. Must almost be time to go back to school again!