Sitting in the Hallway

Today I am feeling a bit down and discouraged. I still do not understand the plans that God has been preparing for me. I still do not really know what to expect, and I have been trying to not have expectations at all.  That is not an easy thing to do.

I have been a planner all of my life. I have made my way in the world by organizing my thoughts and then implementing my decisions. It has worked pretty well for me, although most of my endeavors did not turn out they way I had imagined.

It’s all good, though.  The first thing I do—before the decision is even started—I  pray. I ask God to lead me and to open the doors that need to be opened and shut the doors that should be shut. I guess I might have done a better job of asking which doors  I should even acknowledge, and then maybe I wouldn’t have had so many hallway experiences.

So, I here I sit in the hallway once again. Doors are shut all around me, and I am waiting. I am waiting for the right door to open so that I can once again partner with Papa—the thing I want most in life!

It is hard to not let the blues set in. It is hard to not think about the over-stretched bank account and the opportunities that still are out of reach for me to change that. It is hard to stay focused on trusting Him, when things are so silent.

Here I sit in the quiet, left to my own thoughts. Sometimes that is not a good thing—especially when the old tapes start playing again: you are unworthy; you are too much and not enough; no one cares about you… blah…. Blah….blah.

I will remember who I am, and the purpose that I have been created to fulfill, but that means sitting in the hallway, waiting once again.

I will  remember that being a part of Papa’s great adventures is well worth wait!

Spirit of Jonah

What do you do when God calls you to something so big and amazingly huge? It makes me feel even smaller and less equipped. Today, I am wrestling with those feelings of unworthiness and wondering why He would choose little ole’ me for such an enormous and important task. 

I keep coming back to Jonah. God asked Jonah to go to the great city of Ninevah. The inhabitants of Ninevah were continually committing evil acts, and Jonah wanted God to destroy the city. He was angry that God would even consider giving them an opportunity to repent.  So instead of going where he was told to go, he went in the opposite direction. 

Of course we know the story – the ship he was on almost became lost in a horrible storm until the crew threw Jonah overboard. Then God made a giant fish to swallow up Jonah and for three days in the belly of the fish, Jonah was able to repent of his disobedience. I suppose spending 72 hours in a giant fish’s gullet would cause anyone to repent, but the task was not in Jonah’s heart.  When he was spit out onto land again, he did what he was told, but he was not happy about it.

Then to make matters even harder for him, as soon as Jonah said what God told him to, all of the people of Ninevah repented. Talk about ticked!  Jonah wanted God to destroy these evil people, and here God was giving them another chance.  Jonah was one unhappy camper. God tried to teach him with the gourd vine about his place in God’s plans. I imagine Jonah still didn’t really like the outcome.

Okay, so what caused the people of Ninevah to repent?  Certainly not because Jonah had a heart of love and compassion to help them see the goodness of God. It had to be the Spirit of the Lord that took the veil from their eyes.

I am praying for that same spirit—the spirit that was upon Jonah—to go before me.  Unlike Jonah, I do have compassion for the people I am called to wake up. I care about them, and I want only good for them. But it will take an anointing from God to open eyes and help hearts heal--really seeing what He wants them to see.

It is not about me. It never has been. I hope whoever is reading this will stand with me in this giant task ahead. May the spirit that was upon Jonah spread over the people I am sent to and may eyes be opened to truth as we work together to heal our land.

Expert

Expert. Maybe it is the word itself that makes me want to hide in a cave somewhere. Being considered an expert in helping victims find their voice is like telling someone you are an expert at parenting. Every parent knows quite well the agony of the many failures we have all experienced when dealing with children. Thankfully, our kids usually accept the misfires and will eventually focus on the big picture.  That only happens, however, when we have successfully sent the message that we love them, even amidst the times it might not have appeared that way.  

Shifting an entire culture from one where bullying and unkind words are acceptable to one of kindness and compassion is a rather tall order.

I’m no expert. I have some ideas. I have some strategies. I have some experience, and I definitely have passion. Does that make me an expert?  According to the dictionary, I guess it does¹, but somehow, I have coupled the term “expert” with that of success. When the culture actually changes because of my expertise, then yes, the term expert is fitting. But what if the change is slow in coming? Am I still an expert? What if the change never happens? Do I lose my title?

I think I would rather be known as someone who cares and wants to make a difference. Expert or not, I want to be the change.  The thing is, I know that I can’t do this alone. The word expert seems to imply that one person can solve the concern, and that just is not the truth. It takes as all, and we all need to learn skills and find our passion to make this shift. I know I cannot do it by myself, so please don’t call me an expert.  Call me someone who wants all of you to come alongside and get busy finding our voice to change our world.

¹having or showing special skill or knowledge because of what you have been taught or what you have experienced. 

"Expert." Merriam-Webster.com. Accessed November 5, 2016. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/expert.