I Need My Gratitude Filter Back in Place

I am feeling sorry for myself today. Getting through the holidays with a broken elbow was not easy, but I did manage. My kids pitched in more than usual, and it all worked out. But now, Christmas is over and I can’t get the decorations put away.  My blind husband wants to help, but he just makes more things for me to clean up. People did offer to help me when I really didn’t need the help while my kids were here.  What I would like is someone else to fix and clean up dinner. I would like someone else to clean the house.

I have lost my gratitude filter and I really need to find it again.

Usually I am so grateful for all that I have. Usually, I find the good in even the darkest of days. I don’t know why I am so grumpy and displeased with everything around me.  I need a do-over for this day.

There is a beautiful sunset in view out my dining room window. It is rather spectacular. I am blessed that I can see it. I can describe it to my blind husband, but I could never really do it justice.  I am grateful that I can see. My house is warm and cozy. We have a refrigerator full of holiday leftovers.

I am blessed, and I will find my gratitude filter once again.

Wise Words While Waiting in the ER

Today while waiting in the ER for the paperwork to come through for my x-rays, I was chatting with a grandparent of a former student at my school where I was a principal. He told me that I was way too young to be retired. I told him that I did retire a bit early because I was out of integrity with what I know to be right in meeting the needs of our youngest children in school. I shared about taking away play time and expecting all five year olds to be fluent readers when the eye muscles do not fully develop, especially in boys, until age eight. Yet we tell the parents of these still developing five year olds that something is “wrong” with their child. 

He asked who was making us do the things I thought were not right. When I shared that the legislators who base their thinking on their own gifted children’s performance were the ones making the decisions, he said, “Gifted? You mean wealthy, right?”  While these two words are not supposed to be synonymous, somehow, they really kind of are when it comes to school success.

Then, he said that I should use my retirement and my expertise to change things. I told him my staff had encouraged me to go to Columbus and be a voice. He asked me what was stopping me.  I really didn’t have an answer.

I will be taking to heart this wise gentleman’s words. 

How Long Does The Lesson Really Need To Be?

As I ponder the forced stillness, relatively speaking, due to a broken elbow, I am sad about not being able to do my favorite two things – play my guitar in our Praise Team at church and swim laps. I don’t find out until tomorrow how long I have to give up these most important activities in my life.  Part of me doesn’t even want to hear the verdict.

I made it through Christmas and even held my baby granddaughter some, although she is at the very wiggly stage now and it was not an easy thing to do one-armed.

I can’t put away my Christmas decorations.

I can’t scrub pots and pans.

I can’t take off my bra by myself.

But those things don’t bother me nearly as much as my swimming and guitar playing.

I am guessing there is supposed to be a lesson here. I don’t have a clue yet what that is.  I figure that tomorrow’s news from the specialist will be in direct proportion to how much time it will take my thick brain to get it.

For a smart girl, I just can’t reckon with how slowly I learn life’s most important lessons. I usually am a quick-study, but sometimes I think I make this harder than it needs to be.  Praying for open ears to hear what I need, and may the lesson-learning time be short!

A One-Armed Christmas Eve

While delivering my homemade plate of cookies to a neighbor, I tripped over a rock at the edge of their sidewalk and broke my elbow.  There really isn't a good time for this to happen to anybody, but a few days before Christmas was certainly not in the plans!


Now today is Christmas Eve.

As I sit here thinking of all I want to get accomplished today and how I can do none of it on my own with only one arm, I am repeatedly reminded that these "things" I want done really have nothing to do with why this day is my favorite day of the year. Yes, I want my family traditions to take place today, but if they don't happen just like I want them to, I cannot forget the joy this day brings to the world. The day when all Christians remember, if only briefly whose they are, a powerful, yet peaceful presence surrounds us. Even before I became a Christian, I was aware of something different on Christmas Eve, and I wanted to know that peace for myself. It was this evidence of the peace of Christ that led me on my life's journey, and I am ever grateful. The special things I like to do really have nothing to do with what is really important.

I am forced to reckon with this, and it really is okay.

Enough Adulting for the Day

Some friends are posting pictures on Facebook of a beautiful beach vacation.  While I am shoveling the snow from my driveway, they are bathing suit-clad, with drink in hand; on pristine white sands with azure, calm waters in the background. I am trying to be happy for them in their leisure time. Instead, I am fighting the green-eyed monster of jealousy.

I have worked hard all of my life. I have spent countless hours trying to make a living by helping others to make a better life for themselves, yet somehow, the bank account never seems full enough to plan for a vacation. I haven’t really had a vacation for several years. I would like to be on a beach too. The ocean is my favorite place to be and it has been too long since I have been able to enjoy my time there.

To make matters worse, I know that my friends have had tough economic times too. They have made it through them and now are enjoying the fruits of their labor. They deserve to do just that.  But don’t I too?

It is hard to rejoice for others when they get what is out of reach for ourselves. I know that I need to look to God for my rest, and not a beachfront hotel room. But sometimes it would just be nice to be the one with the beautiful photos on Facebook.

I guess I need to start a vacation savings account. Then, even when the bills are screaming for more than I have to accommodate, I will have another pot to pull from. 

That is enough adulting for today.

Hallmark Movie Sad

Just wiping the tears after watching another Hallmark Christmas movie. It makes me wonder why these movies all make me cry. I am aware of so many blessings in my life, and yet, when I watch these movies, there is an empty, lonely part of me that is longing for something just out of reach. I am not quite sure, however, exactly what that is all about.

I have a beautiful home, three beautiful children who are happy in their grown-up lives. I have two amazing granddaughters and a husband who dearly loves me. I have a fulfilling life and so much to be grateful for. What could I possibly be longing for?

There is a part of me that feels alone.

My children live in other places, and I don’t get to spend much time with them.  I hardly get to watch my grandbabies grow, only getting a day here or there about once a month or less.

My husband is blind and cannot help with anything around the house. As a matter of fact, I have extra things to do to clean up after him since he cannot see the everyday messes.

Our finances are tight and we haven’t had a vacation in years with none on the horizon.

I guess these realities are weighing more heavily on my heart than I care to admit.

I want a Hallmark movie life. Yet, I have been given more than that. I have been given a calling and a purpose that is beyond my imaginations.  Then why do I feel sad?

I guess it is just Hallmark movie sad. It isn’t really sad. When I put my thoughts and focus on the living Christ in me, I am immediately restored to wholeness once more.

Perhaps it is a good thing that I don’t imbibe in these back-to-back movies too often. I sure don’t want to forget Whose I am. Not ever!

Learning to Live Loved

Last night I was able to participate in a conference call to learn to tap into the powerful energy of love. As I continue to ponder the powerful presence of that loving community from last night’s call, I am wondering how much more healing of old wounds still needs to take place.

Growing up in a home with only conditional love, and where I could never seem to meet those conditions, I have spent many decades undoing the hurt and pain. I really think I am close to being fully healed, but there is a tiny part that pops up now and then still screaming quite loudly that I am unworthy to be loved.

I am so looking forward to embracing this community of love and truly and FINALLY learn to receive without parameters. Just trying to picture what it might be like to actually live loved every moment of ever day.  Makes me smile just thinking about it!

Two Things

Two out of the ordinary things happened yesterday. One was an amazing, exciting blessing. The other was a very hard pill to swallow. While reveling in the amazing, wonderful thing, it was easy to not think about the other. Yet, all night long, my unresolved emotions around the other kept waking me up, reminding me of my imperfections and my less-thans.

This morning, I resolved to not allow the difficult thing to overshadow the blessings of the joyous. It is hard, but I have come to realize that as I put my focus on Papa, it becomes much easier.

The biggest effort for me is to allow the joy even though there is this huge hurdle that I still will need to navigate.

It made me ponder my reactions when these two things happened so close together. I received both pieces of news literally in minutes of one another. Yet, for the first time in my life, I did not jump on the emotional roller-coaster. I feel like I have finally matured a bit in this arena, and that is a very good thing.

Two huge things with two opposite effects. Yet, here I stand—whole and centered in the love of the Father. And I am at peace.

His Presence Is With Me

Today I spent some time in my previous work place. It looks the same, but it definitely does not feel the same. As one enters the door, the tension is very evident. There seems to be so many unsaid things pressing on the hearts of those still there. I saw those who remember what it used to be like when the place was welcoming and brimming with love, and they were sad in their current state.

When I worked there, I prayed many, many times over that building and its people. I made it my goal to create a warm and friendly atmosphere. I continually sent the message that this was a place where people cared about one another. Now that I am gone, I am left wondering why that all left with me?

I don’t think I have a magic touch. I know I am not all that skilled or gifted, but what I brought to my work was the presence of the Lord.

It is a dreary, miserable place when the Lord is mostly absent. 

I am sad for those still there. Their hearts are longing for what used to be, and I am so sorry that it left with me. I didn’t expect that to happen. I thought things would carry on without me. They didn’t.

I wish I had words of hope for those still there. I don’t. Some have left. Some are planning to leave. Some feel stuck. Yet the reality is that it isn’t about one leader. It’s about a decision to welcome all that is good and to reject and reframe the negativity.

I know they have that ability, but unless one recognizes where the real power lies, they become like a leaf—dried, brown, and blown about in the cold, dreary winds of winter.

I will pray for their spring of new life. I will pray for the goodness of the Lord to return to them. I will pray for hearts of sweetness once again. Where the presence of the Lord is, there is a peace that is beyond our comprehension.

I will also rejoice in knowing that when I am present, so is He.

Unforgiving Dog

I am rather new to doggie-hood.  I never really had a dog growing up, and it wasn’t until my son got out on his own and found Boone—the best dog in the entire world—that I started to understand the amazing joy that dogs can bring.  Boone is so smart and was so much fun in his younger years.

My daughter and her husband got a dog that was very different. Tonks is a much more high maintenance doggie, but very loving nonetheless. I don’t really like taking her for walks because she has her own opinion about which way we should go, but for the most part she and I get along quite well, and she is so amazing with my young granddaughters.

My husband and I have only been married a year. He had his dog, Sable, for over twenty years, and I was getting very used to her doggie-ways as well. Jon is visually impaired, and he moved to Ohio to be closer to me. As Jon’s vision began getting worse, I had to start doing most of the extra things for Sable such as baths and eardrops. I found her to be very stoic when I had to perform these tasks. She would just look sad, and stand very still until we would finish. When the job was done, she would prance and leap again, being the happy dog I knew her to be.

Now we have a service dog in the house. His name is Grizzly, and while he is mostly loving, I am finding that it is very hard for him to forgive me when it comes to the ear drops.  Even when I show him open hands and offer a treat, he will glare at me, grab the treat and not let me love on him at all.  This will go on for many hours after the ear drops, and sometimes even days. I am not used to an unforgiving doggie.

As I began pondering Grizzly’s unforgiving attitude, it seemed quite interesting to me how different these dogs in my life have been. I have always been quick to forgive others, and so it has been rather heartbreaking to have Grizzly turn on me so quickly. Just when I think we have built some trust again, his left ear gets inflamed and I have to start the ear wash again.  It makes me wonder how we teach forgiveness. I really don’t know how to do that.  I was born with a personality that wants to make things better around me. Forgiveness is such an important aspect in that process.

Grizzly will run from me most of the day today, expecting the worst from me (those awful drops in the ear!). I just want to love on him and let him know that I am trying to help him stop scratching. He doesn’t understand that I am helping him.

I wonder how many of us have lived in a state of unforgiveness when we really didn’t understand all of the circumstances? I wonder how many lost moments of fellowship have happened because of wrong expectations?

I am learning about unforgiveness from our doggie, but I want to know how to turn it around. 

I sure am open to suggestions!

We Have What We Asked For

Today, I was pondering the mess our country is in, and I was reminded of how we got ourselves into this place to begin with.  In the eighth chapter of I Samuel, the people demanded that Samuel, the Lord’s prophet, find a king to rule over them.  He was getting up in years and they wanted to be like the other nations around them. They wanted a person to lead them (vs. 4) and to fight their battles (vs. 20).

Samuel was disturbed by this and asked the Lord what to do.  God told him to tell the people what would happen if they appointed a King.  Samuel told the people exactly what God said. They king would:

a.     Take the young men to create a military (vs. 11)

b.     Decide which jobs those young men could have (vs. 12)

c.      Use the young men to make weapons of war (vs. 12)

d.     Make their daughters to have to work outside their home as beauticians, waitresses and cooks (vs. 13)

e.     Take the best of their crops (vs. 14)

f.      Take a tenth of their grain and wine as a tax to support his staff (vs. 15)

g.     Take the best of their animals and servants for his own use (vs. 16)

h.     Put a tax on their flocks, making them no better than his slaves (vs. 17)

He also said that the people would not like these things and would complain about them, but to not expect God to answer (vs. 18).

Samuel tried one last time to dissuade them, and once more asked the Lord what to do.  His answer?  “Listen to them and give them a King.” (vs. 22).  He told Samuel that he should listen to the people because they were not rejecting the prophet, but God Himself as their King. (vs. 7).

I guess we have now what we asked for.