I Make A Terrible Nurse

I am a terrible nurse. I have been trying to understand my wretched thoughts and frankly, I’m coming up empty.

I’d like to think of myself as a caring and compassionate soul. I truly do. But when my husband is sick, somehow, my thoughts are on me, and what a burden it is to care for him.

My husband is blind, so he takes some caretaking on a regular basis anyway. I’m used to that part. But when he is sick and can’t even do the things he normally does for himself, I have to fight my internal eye-rolling, and ugh-sound making.

I hate this part in me. I don’t want my ugly feelings during his sickness to define me, and yet, I have no clue how to rid myself of them.

Here are some factors that get in my way:

1.     Jon does not take care of himself. He doesn’t exercise, he eats a lot of potato chips and red meat, and only takes a polite portion of the healthier options that I regularly fix. For example, I often will make a yummy kale and mushroom side dish for dinner with lots of onions and fresh garlic. He eats about a ¼ cup, and I finish the entire pan.

2.     Jon reaches for OTC meds before he tries oils, supplements, or homeopathic options. I abhor medicines and only take them when I am desperate. I try to help him with this, but he doesn’t understand, nor does he seem interested in learning how to do this for himself. It makes me feel stuck because I want him to own his wellness journey and he won’t.

  

3.     He is unaware of his own body needs. This is a huge factor. He doesn’t know what a fever feels like, and describes chills and sweats, but doesn’t think to grab a thermometer (he has one that talks to him!), or use essential oils to help.  In addition, because he is so unaware, on numerous occasions, he has not made it to the bathroom in time. Just as with a young child, this causes me hours of clean-up and disinfecting.

4.     Jon used to pride himself on never getting sick, however, in the 17 months we have been married, he has been quite ill 7 different times. This does not include the migraine headaches that he gets at least three times a month.

So with these things going on in my brain each time he is sick, I am just mad. This creates an internal war with my compassionate, loving side. When I pray, I pray angry prayers.  I wish I had a nurse’s heart. What does it take to get rid of my selfish thoughts when my husband—the love of my life—needs me to remember my most sacred vows?  You know, “in sickness and in health?”

I guess I should be grateful that I am at least aware of this internal war, but I just don’t have a clue how to get myself to where I really want to be.

Thank you, Papa for creating in me a clean heart! I need it all the more when my husband is sick.