Enough is Enough!

Got the news today.  It is wrong on so many levels, that I don’t even know how to begin.  This is my 21^st year as an Elementary Principal, and prior to that I was a teacher for six years.  I substitute taught for six years, and taught pre-service teachers as adjunct faculty at Ohio University also for six years.  In other words, I have been in the educational field for a long time.  What I heard today cuts across everything I know about child development and what helps and what hurts children.

For YEARS, we have known that the muscles in the eyes required for focusing on print do not fully develop, particularly for boys until around age eight.  Yet we expect ALL five year olds to be readers.

For YEARS we have known that a preschool experience is vitally important for children to be successful in school, and yet, unlike our global competitors in Europe, we do not offer a free government-supported preschool opportunity for all children  up to age six as they do.  For EVERY child!  Completely paid for by the government!  Only about half of our children in America make it to a preschool because it is cost prohibitive for the other half.

For YEARS we have known that retentions harm children and do not typically help.  Study after study has consistently shown that a retention beyond Kindergarten rarely helps and most often causes drop-outs later in life.

For YEARS we have known that some children have multiple learning interferences that we call disabilities and we provide them with additional support and resources.  Good things have come from the No Child Left Behind Act in that we no longer separate our learning disabled students and instead offer them an equal education with supports, but they are called disabilities for a reason.

We expect all children to make one year’s growth in one year’s time.  Except our children with disabilities.  We have to make them grow way MORE than one year’s growth in order to catch them up.  So let’s see how this makes sense – our brightest and best grow one year.  Those that need multiple repetitions and variations, and most likely a slower pace to catch on have to double or triple the expectation of those without disabilities.  In other words, the disabled students have to do two to three times MORE than those who are not disabled.  Its not Rocket Science, here folks!

Now it seems this is not enough.  Our legislators have created the Third Grade Reading Guarantee and they don’t seem to know or care about what children need. 

If a child is not able to read in Grades K-3 according to standard, teachers are to create a RIMP – a reading improvement plan, which is a rather detailed document showing what interventions and supports are in place to help students catch up.  Students, often where Kindergarten is their very first schooling experience, are labeled within the first 30 days of school as in danger of failing.  Teachers must make sure parents are aware and they and the parents have to sign the document so that we know that they understand their child could be retained in Third Grade if he/she doesn’t catch up.

But the news today caused me to write this.  Now, even students with learning disabilities will be retained in third grade if they do not pass the state test.  Even if our learning disabled students make a whole year’s growth in one year’s time, this is not enough to “close the gap.”  Somehow the legislators believe retaining an eight or nine year old who already is well-aware that they are not keeping up with the rest will fix things.  Let’s ensure our struggling learners feel most like failures by failing them in Third Grade.

Should we scare them more about the test?

Maybe we should learn from Finland – the world’s finest educational system by all standards.  They do NO formalized testing until students are at least twelve years of age.  If our teachers were able to actually TEACH and not spend the entire first quarter testing, maybe we could close the gap for more.  Weighing the pig over and over does not make it grow fat.  Testing our kids does NOT help them become readers either.

Is anyone willing to stand up to our legislators and say enough is enough?

Sounds of the Night and of the Day

This morning as I got ready to take my early morning jaunt, I reached for my Nano and God (LOUDLY) said, “Leave it!”  Of course, (because as my Mom always said that I “would argue with God”), I said, “Really?”  He again just said, “Leave it.”

So, even though I had just charged it up, I longingly put it back on the china hutch, and went out into the morning without my usual tunes to keep me company.

Several blocks from my house, I heard the lonely cry of an owl.  I stopped and listened intently for a bit and saw it fly from a rooftop to a tree, still screeching its eerie and desperate call.  It was still dark out, and this screeching crashed into the night with such fervor and echo.  The sound was so deeply mournful and with such an imploring reach.  I found myself wishing for the daylight so the owl could finally rest.  It made me think of the verse in Psalms 30:5b – “weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

Within a few more blocks the sun was just beginning rise (behind the clouds this morning, however) and the daylight was breaking with the sounds of happy birds chirping.  I am not an expert in bird sounds by any means, but I sure can discern the difference between the lonely, desperate-sounding screech of the night owl and the joyful songs of the day birds.  And then, I heard the morning doves.  

They sing their sad songs when rain is coming.  Their song is melancholy, but it doesn’t split the stillness as the owl’s screech.  The morning dove is a gentle reminder that sadness can still be a part of the day as well, but our joy comes from the Lord.  I wanted to read the rest of the passage in Psalms after this morning’s lessons:

“O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.  O Lord, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.  Sing to the Lord, you saints of his; praise his holy name.  For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night but rejoicing comes in the morning.  When I felt secure, I said, ‘I will never be shaken.’ O Lord, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed. To you, O Lord I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy; What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit?  Will the dust praise you?  Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord be my help.’  You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart might sing to you and not be silent.  O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.”  Psalm 30:2-12

Thank you, Lord for teaching me the joy of spending the morning with You.  Weeping may be in the night (or even some in the day) but hope springs forth as we place our thoughts on You.  Praising You Lord is why we are here.  Thankful for yet another day!

What Would I Give Up?

            What would I give up?

            I have often found myself comparing my talents with that of others.  One would think after all these years, I would get it!  One day, I asked God why none of my talents were so superb that using them would knock the socks off of His people.  His reply?  What are you going to give up?

            The very first time I had an inkling of the innate gifts that I had been given was during the fall of my Senior year of High School when I was chosen to go to Regional Band.  There were about 10 of us in my section (I played alto clarinet, but the section also included the bass and sopranos).  I hadn’t looked at the music until 5 minutes before tryouts for our seating and placing in the State Band.  The first two chairs got to move on to State.  I made third chair.  When the director there asked me how much time I practiced, I sheepishly admitted that I hadn’t.  The first two chair placers looked at me, horrified, and the first chair said, “I practiced at least an hour 3x per week for months!”  I remember so clearly (this WAS 42 years ago!!) thinking, wow, what would I have had to give up to put that much time into practicing?  And wow!  Think what I could have accomplished if I had practiced even a little?  But, I knew then that playing alto clarinet was not what I wanted for my life’s ambition, so I chalked it up to a possibility, and that seemed to be enough at the time.

            Fast forward to now.  I love to sing.  I love to play my guitar and I love even more to be a Praise and Worship leader in our church.  This is by far one of my greatest joys (outside of my grandchild, of course).  But I am not a big name with CD’s that others are clamoring to purchase.  I don’t get to travel outside of the walls of our small church to lead enormous groups of people into Hillsong,-style worship.  I get mad at myself for not putting in more time to build my skills.  But I am blessed nonetheless.

            I love my job as a Principal.  I have been an Elementary Principal now for twenty years.  Two decades.  I think I do pretty well.  But I will never be Principal of the Year (although I WAS nominated once!)  What would it take to receive that honor?  What would I have to give up to get there?

            I love children.  They have always been my passion.  I am a kid-magnet.  Children come to me wherever I am.  I think they can feel my kid-friendly energy and they know that I am safe.  I am love to them.  Pure joy for me.  I think I have the skills to be a top-notch children’s expert.  But what would it take to get there?

            I love to write.  I actually just finished my third children’s book and I have laid out an enormous amount of money for a real publisher for the first two.  I might be on to something there, but could writing be my livelihood?  What would it take?  What would I have to give up?

            I’m good with numbers and accounting.  My parents owned a clothing store, and I worked in accounts receivable all through High School and College breaks.  My Mom told me that I had a flair for bookkeeping.  I hated it!  What good is a flair for something if you don’t enjoy it?  But it was nice to know I could have done something with those skills  -- if I had wanted to.

            I love to bake and I really love to try my hand at cake-decorating.  I am just pitiful at it, and while a class to learn how to make those roses and basket weaves is certainly on my bucket list, I won’t be opening a bakery any time soon!  I was honored that my middle son begged me to make his wedding cake this fall.  Truly makes a Mama’s heart sing to know how love covers all – even when the icing doesn’t!  I wish I could say yes, but what would I have to give up to make it as perfect as I would want it?

            I love to speak to women about God and His amazing love and desire to be our Abba – our Daddy.  When I went to Women of Faith events, I felt in my heart –I  could do that!  I have what it takes.  I have overcome great heartaches and pain and used devastating life events to mould me into something worth sharing with others.  I know I will never be invited to stand on that stage, because what would I need to give up to get there?

            So here I am, often feeling like I could really do something to make my life have such purpose that everyone would know it. 

Or, ---

 I can be EVER so grateful that God has gifted me in so many amazing ways -- not because of me, but because of HIM!    I know now that I really don’t want to give up any of them to favor one over the rest.  I will be content to let others take the stage and the limelight because I am not going to give up any of my gifts.  Not a single one!  I am content to be in the middle all the way.

I will, however, learn how to make those perfect icing roses!

My Compass

            I often wear a necklace with a compass on it.  I really like this necklace because it reminds me that I always need to be aware of the direction I am heading.  I have spent far too many days going the wrong way and losing sight of my destination.  Scripture tells us that the way is narrow:   “But small is the gate, and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it”  (Matthew 7:14).

            Putting my compass on in the morning is a gentle reminder that I need something outside of myself to stay on track.  I wonder how I could ever forget this, but somehow, I do.  Sometimes I get in God’s way and forget to connect with Him.  I forget to ask; I forget that it is never my own thoughts that bring me to the place I really want to be.

            One would think the memories of the painful events of my life would be enough to remind me to stay on the narrow path, but it is truly amazing how quickly I can erase those thoughts when the “stuff of life” entices me to take a shortcut. 

            While we now use our GPS tools to get us to our desired destinations, the compass I wear is a visible reminder that without direction, I am lost.  I have spent far too many days beating down my own paths, thinking I could find a better route to take.  Experience tells me otherwise, but it is the reality of His presence in my life that whispers the reminders that I need to stay focused on His map for my journey.  When I stay on the path, the Godly “Trip-Tik” that HE has determined for me, I realize that the planned stops along the way are amazingly important. 

            I am grateful for my compass necklace, and while I might not think much about it during my day, when I put it on in the morning and take it off again at night, I am reminded that my life coach-tour guide is ever with me to keep HIS purpose in focus for my journey. 

Just Like the Dog

Today, Jon called me and asked me to hurry and come help him because his dog, Sable had slipped out of her collar and had run off.  Jon lives on a busy road and he is blind.  I rushed to his house and as soon as I was pulling into the driveway, I saw Sable a block down the street, very close to the busy road.  I called her and she ignored me.  I threw the car into park and grabbed the collar and leash from Jon.  As I called her name, Sable ran away from me.  This time she ran right into the road, and thankfully, the cars missed her.  She took off through some yards and each time I got closer, she ran some more.  Finally, many blocks and roads away, she let me grab her and put her collar and leash on.  When we got to the house, I yelled at her and told her she was a bad girl and needed to go to her bed and lay down.

Instead, she kept coming to me, expecting me to love on her.  I told her she was a bad girl and to go lay down.  She stuck her nose into my face and her look said, “tell me that you love me!”  But I was angry at her and didn’t want to forgive her for scaring me so much.  Those sweet, adoring eyes got to me, and I gave in.  After about a half hour of her licking and kissing me (and bugging me non-stop while I was trying to watch a movie), she finally went off, satisfied that I did still love her.

But then I heard her getting into something.  When I ran to the bedroom, she had found a box of chocolate covered raisins that Jon had since CHRISTMAS!  I don’t know how many she ate – but both chocolate and raisins are toxic for dogs.  I pray she will be fine through the night.

This started me thinking about how much I am just like Sable.  I go and do the exact thing I know I shouldn’t and then want God to show me that He still loves me.  And He does, yet often within minutes, I go and do something else that is toxic to my well-being.  As the Apostle Paul says in Romans 7:15 “I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”  And 7:19 – “For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do – this I keep on doing.”  Yep!  Just like the dog – she knows she shouldn’t run away and into the street.  She shouldn’t eat foods that are toxic and will kill her, but she does it anyway. 

As soon as things are back to normal, we want to know – am I still loved?  Did I stray too far this time?  I don’t know why we do those things we know we shouldn’t.  but I do know that we have a loving Father who will, with wide-open arms, receive us back each and every time!

Artios

Today, I was thinking back about raising my son for five years without his father.  I wondered how in the world I ever managed to accomplish things – like get him through Driver’s Ed, girlfriends, and college visits.  When I think about doing these things, it feels overwhelming to me, even though I already actually did them.  I then realized that I was not really on my own.

 The word “artios” came to mind.  This Greek word is really only used one time in the entire New Testament.  It is translated “perfect” in 2 Timothy 3:17 and it is used to describe the purpose of the verse preceding – “All scripture is given by inspiration of God and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction (which is) instruction in righteousness.” 2 Timothy 3:16.

Then verse 17 says: “That the man of God may be perfect (artios), throughly equipped (Exartizo) unto all good works.”

This word artios is used to describe a ship that is ready to set sail – everything is ready and on-board for the voyage.  The other way the word artios is used is in describing the perfect fit of the ball and socket joint in the hip.  If there is the slightest misalignment in that joint the person suffers the most excruciating pain.  The fit has to be absolutely perfect for the hip to work properly.  This is the word “artios” (Wierwille, 1971, p. 90).

The word “throughly” is not the word thoroughly (which auto-correct keeps making me retype!).  Throughly is an inside job where thoroughly is an outside job.  For instance – one could wash their hands thoroughly, but one cannot wash hands throughly -- meaning both outside and inside (Wierwille, 1971, p. 91)

So the purpose of scripture is to make us perfect and throughly equipped  for good works.  Like the ship that is completely through and throughly furnished for a long voyage, putting the scripture into our hearts and minds prepares us for what life throws at us -- like a husband dying and leaving a teenaged son to raise alone.  I know that I wasn’t able on my own to get through all these things and many others since.  As I make a decision every day to put God’s Word first in my heart and mind and to stay connected and abiding in the true Vine of Christ, I realize that I have gotten through those things that  now seem overwhelming and nearly impossible to even think about.  Artios.  Perfect.  Exartizo – equipped!

Wierwille, V.P. (1971).  Power for abundant living.  New Knoxville, Ohio:  American

Christian Press.

Hold Onto The Rock

Today during my morning jaunt, the wind was blowing from the Northwest.  I was watching a leaf being tossed about, sort of headed South, but not able to really move in any one particular direction. It was just going every which way. With a bigger gust, it slammed against a rock and just stayed there.  I realized how very much I am like that leaf – pushed and shoved by the winds around me.  They come from every direction, and like that leaf, I can spin in circles trying to make my way.  But when I hold onto the rock – the Rock of Christ, I can stick there and can just be present.  Today, my prayer is to be slammed into The Rock and hold on while the winds of this world gust and thrash about me.  I will remain centered on the Rock and not be carried about in a whirlwind frenzy.

Lesson from the Paper Delivery Guy

Lessons from the paper delivery guy.

Last spring, while headed out on my 5:15 AM jog, I noticed a rather beat-up vehicle driving in my neighborhood.  The driver and his passenger were cruising down my street and I suddenly felt a sense of fear.  Did I set my house alarm?  Am I safe in the dark and all alone?  It isn’t normal to see a black man in a beat-up car on my street.  Especially in the wee hours of the morning.

I checked in with God, and I felt a sense of peace, but I truly wondered why this guy was here.  Then I realized he was delivering the morning paper.  I still didn’t like it.  He didn’t “belong” in my neighborhood.  Especially in the dark.

I saw him the next morning, and then the next.  His car was loud and left noxious fumes, making it hard for me to breathe during my jog.  But I began to see his dedication to his task of delivering the paper.  No one else in my neighborhood is up at 5:15. 

I began looking for him each morning, expecting to hear his car – or smell it sometime in my 2 mile jaunt.  And he was there.  Every time!

It has now been a year.  This young man and his female companion have been delivering papers faithfully every morning that I have been out on my run.   What I thought was someone to fear turned out to be someone to respect.  Who else gets up before the sun to drive house to house?  What a tiresome job!  That takes dedication.

Now when I see (hear and smell) his car each morning, I am not worried about my safety.  I am instead, grateful for his work ethic and I bless his old jalopy that it will continue to provide him the opportunity to do his job. 

We often talk about appearances not necessarily being what they seem.  A young black man, seated shifted to one side in his beat up, loud and smelly car in a nice neighborhood could spell trouble.  Or it could mean – just dedication to a rather thankless and monotonous job.  I think others could certainly learn from his example.

Choice Is a Lovely Thing

I was able to get out and run a bit this morning.  I am still not ready for a 5K, but I feel great about my 2 miles!  As I was jogging along, I was trying to figure out why this was my absolute favorite time of the day.  The half- moon was so bright.  My google search tells me it is called a third quarter moon, yet it was beckoning me to remember that while half of it was hidden from my view, I could still know its fullness.  That made me think about the half of me that I show to others when the other side is dark, left in the shadows and hidden out of sight from all but the One who really sees.  (That sounds like a topic for another day!)

Venus was sparkling like a huge diamond as if it were shouting, “look at me!”  Who could miss her beauty, even with the naked eye?

But what is so spectacular about this time of day is that although it was yet more than a half-hour from the actual time of sunrise, the Eastern sky was definitely breaking daylight.  As I pondered why I simply love this time of day – half night, half morning, I realized (or actually the Holy Spirit revealed to me so perfectly, it made me laugh out loud – even while jogging!) that it was all about choice.

I like having choice.  I don’t like being forced into something with limitations.  So I could call it morning because truly the sun was coming up and the dawning was evident.  My last leg of my jaunt is a run toward the East.  My house faces the East, and from that perspective, it seemed for sure with no question to be daylight.

Yet behind me, the sky held the moon, the stars and beautiful Venus sparkling the songs of the night.  So it is my choice.  I can call it day, or I can call it still night and I am right either way.  I love this brief opportunity to decide for myself what it is.  And if those still asleep in their beds are enjoying their weekend morning to sleep a bit longer, the night sky continues its lullaby for them.  Or those of us that enjoy a morning jog (although in my neighborhood, that is no one but me!), could know a new day is dawning.

Choice.  It is a lovely thing.  I am so invigorated by this brief magical time where it is half night and half day and the opportunity to be grateful for the time that has gone before and also be ready to beckon the start of a new day.  A lovely, lovely thing!

I Get It Now

Today in my devotions, I finally understood for really the very first time the reason for so much pain in my heart growing up.  I ached for knowing what it felt like to be loved and I searched so hard to learn how to be loveable.  I know now that this barren hole in the very core of my being was necessary so that I could begin to grasp the extent of God’s love.  Only He can fill the empty heart.  I finally understand that I needed to know beyond a shadow of any doubt that NOTHING in this world – not the love of parents or a lover or children or cookies or any other thing I have used to fill the void could ever really satisfy this longing heart.

II Corinthians 4:6-7 says:  “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.  But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”

I don’t know why it has taken me so long to really get it.  I have been angry at God for allowing me to get to the very brink of death so many times through my pain.  I thought that if He REALLY loved me, He would have ended the pain sooner.  I really felt abandoned by Him because I didn’t understand the big lesson.

I know He sent angels to me to stop me from my suicide attempts.  I know He had His hand in my self-destructive paths when a step further down that wrong road would have been irreversible.  But I didn’t allow Him to truly fill my heart.  I was still seeking elsewhere for what only HE can do.

I get it now.  And I am so sorry that it took me this long.  I will bask in the embrace of His loving arms, knowing that He was really there all along.  It had to hurt Him to allow me to suffer, but He knew what it would take for me to finally surrender every little crevice of my heart.  I get it now.  Finally.

Sunsets and Structured Water

I am looking out my dining room window at a gorgeous sunset.  There are so many shades of vibrant color in that one small piece of the horizon that I cannot even find names for them (where is my Crayola box when I need it?).  The contrast of the color display with the stark white snow on the ground is drawing my attention like a magnet.  There are so many wonders in the world, I can barely wrap my head around it.

Today I learned about structured water.  As I sit at my laptop gazing out the window, I have a headset on my jug of drinking water.  It is playing a healing frequency of 528Hz.  The experiments that I have watched about the structure of water have been as amazing as this blazing sunset.  So many intricacies in the world that our Creator made in just 6 days.  I have spent a life time trying to understand how dust particles in the sky can paint a canvas so amazing that it takes my breath away. 

I don’t know if my jug of water is becoming alive and vibrant and a healing source, but if it is, I am grateful to know that there is a way to somewhat restore what God made in His perfection that mankind has spent the ages destroying.

Grateful for water today, as always, it is my number one item on my gratitude list.  Even more grateful for an amazing and awesome God who has given me a heart to want to know Him and to understand  Him better each day.

If you dear reader are interested, YouTube has a plethora of videos on structured water and the wisdom of water.  I could spend hours learning, or I can just go back to my sunset while it is still visible.

I'm Not There Yet...But I Sure Am Better

As another year is ending, I have been reflecting on personal growth and my spiritual walk.  I am certainly not at all satisfied with either area, but I do know that I am not the same as I was last year.  While far from my goals for becoming more Christ-like, I would like to think I am slower to anger and quicker to love and forgive.  I would like to think that I have asked for less about me and more about others.  I would like to think that I have asked more often to have my Father’s eyes and less about trying to fix things.  I'm not there yet, but I sure am better.

I have been stressed and at peace.  I have been unsettled and I have been comforted.  I have been sad and I have been filled with delight.  I have been exhausted beyond measure and I have been rested and restored.  I have been despondent and I have been thrilled.   I have been overly talkative and I have been introspective.  I have been worried, and I have felt secure.  I have felt need and I have been satisfied.  I have been weak in the flesh and I have been strong in the spirit.  I have been self-absorbed and I have given of myself to others.  I have been self-centered and I have been selfless.  I have been angry and I have been loving.   I have felt defeated and I have felt success.  I have been so consumed that I didn’t notice the weather, and I have reveled at the sight of sunsets and sunrises; stars and rainbows.  I have been consumed by busy-ness and I have been still to hear His voice. 

I have seen so many of those I care about go through loss and pain and I have seen hurting people find joy in placing God at their center.  I have seen struggles and victories.  I have seen death and I have seen new babies just born.  I have shared tears and I have shared laughter with others.  I have been lonely and I have been loved.

When I think about this year of 2013, I know I am not where I want to be… but I sure am better.  I want there to be more of Him and less of me.  I want to relish the good times and to be grateful even when its hard.  I can see that I am definitely more resilient in my thinking and certainly more forgiving of myself when I still mess it up and fall short of the mark.

Bringing in the New Year is framed in hope.  I know I haven't arrived yet, but I sure am better!

I Can Do This!

 Devastating news.  Felt like a kick in the solar plexus.  I could not believe I was the last to know, and perhaps that might have been the most hurtful part.  When I heard the news, it was all about me.  What will I do?  How will I cope?  How will I have time to do this?  More work and more stress for me and I can’t handle it!

Then, I decided to think about why I had some time off of work.  It was Thanksgiving.  Time to be with my family and be grateful for what I have.  So, I managed to bracket the reality from work, and enjoy my holiday with those I love.

But today, I am back home and am reminded of what I am facing, and again the “poor me” syndrome started again.  Until…… I remembered my daily prayer.  I ask God to use me for HIS Kingdom purposes.  I ask him every morning to help me make a difference in the life of someone.  And now, I have FINALLY been able to reframe this very hard news.  God is going to bring someone else into my life and He must have a very good reason for it.  I will embrace it, and know that He will give me what I need to handle this and more if I need to.

I don’t like it.  It is not MY plan.  But then again, it never really is.

Spoiled or Abundantly Blessed?

This morning as I was putting clean 800 thread count cobalt blue sheets that match my comforter set onto my Tempur-pedic bed, I was overcome with a sense of grief for those who are cold and have no bed to call their own.  I was kicking out of the way, the growing pile of Christmas gifts for my family that has started to gather at my bedside for this season of giving, and again, my heart was broken for those who don't know how they will be able to give a gift at all to those they love.  I know I am spoiled and have so much to be grateful for.  I have been blessed with so much, yet I am filled with grief that there are so many hurting people in this world.  I also don't know what to do to really help make a difference. 

I wrestle with guilt – I have so many blessings upon blessings, while others have nothing but anguish and need.  Yet I have no desire to give up my many comforts.  I certainly give – often and generously, but never enough to make me have any lack.  I know God has never called His people to give up everything unless He has a plan to pay back even more fully.  I am not afraid to trust Him, but I don’t want to really suffer – hence the guilt.

I haven’t always had such abundance.  I know what it is like to not have money for food or bills.  I also don’t ever really want to go back to that experience again.  It was not fun.  But even when I had no clue how I would eat the next day, I was warm and I had a comfortable bed and running water.  I have never REALLY suffered like so many in the world do.  I know that the poor will always be with us, but it just seems that there is such a HUGE gap between the very rich and the very poor.

Dear God, please find a warm place for those in need tonight.  My heart breaks for their suffering.  Help them to know You as Sustainer and Provider, as I have known You.  Help them see their way out of their need and into Your abundance.  Help me to know how to be a wise giver, and to have Your eyes when I need them.

Tired

Just when I think I can't deal with one more thing, there are nine more things that need my immediate attention.  And so, without thinking, I just address each one as best I can -- just doing each task without thinking about how much stuff there is hitting me at once.  Just dealing with the task at hand.

Being the "big picture" kinda gal that I am, this actually takes great focus and effort for me to NOT think ahead but to be in the moment with what I have going on -- and ONLY that.  It is real work for me!  But as I get through each of the things thrown at me, and finally get to the end of my day, I realize it was another win!  I handled life.  I was my best that I could be, doing the work God has called me to do.  But I'm tired.

What I WANT is a beachfront house with no one needing anything from me.  I want days with no plans, no meetings, no appointments, no one expecting things from me.  But knowing myself, I would only enjoy this kind of life for about 2 days, and then I would start making plans.  How much better to know that God has made BETTER plans for me -- plans to prosper me and NOT harm me.  Plans to give me hope and a future.  Thanks for the great reminder, Jeremiah!

I also want to know when it finally ends.  When does the rat race of life finally become the blessings of living in eternity with Christ?  I am so ready for Christ's return.  I am ready to say that this work is done.  Yet, the reality is -- God says it isn't.  He says there are more people that need to know His love and I am supposed to give it.  He says there are more people who need to know who Jesus is and I am supposed to tell them.  He says there are more people who need an encouraging word, and I am supposed to give it.  So, I will breathe, and muster it up, for another day is about to begin.  Wonder what He has in store for me today?

I Have Much To Learn

I haven't blogged for quite awhile.  It isn't because I haven't had much to think about or that I am not still being taught many new lessons.  Daily, I am amazed at how much I still have to learn.  What I do know now that I didn't know before is that we just aren't ever "there."  When I was a young girl, I thought that college kids were the most amazing people in the world.  They seemed so vibrant and energized and eager.  I told myself that one day, I too would be a college kid.  Then when I became a college kid, I realized that this wasn't an ending point in the growing process.  I knew I had much to learn and even more to unlearn, and the journey was not an easy one.

Then, as a college student, I longed to be a wife and mother.  I told myself that when I made it to this point of having a family, then I would be fulfilled and truly happy.  While I loved motherhood more than any other time of my life, things still won't really go as planned.  Perhaps it was too many "Leave It To Beaver" episodes under my belt, but I really believed that any family concern could be resolved simply with good communication.  What I didn't realize was that it takes much more than talking.  It takes changing, and forgiving, and patience, and resilience, and growing.  And when one partner is willing to go through those growing pains and the other is not, stability goes right out the window.

I have learned to trust God and not people.  I have learned to expect bumps in the road, but to know that God has me in His hands.  I have learned that people will always let you down, but we need to love them anyway.  I have learned that life is hard and that there really isn't an age that will feel like I finally made it (until Heaven, that is).  I have learned that everyone has a story and a personal journey they must make.  I have learned that loving others is the heart of making a difference in this life.  I have learned that we need each other, so we better learn quickly how to resolve our differences.  I have learned the grass is NOT greener over in that spot we think it might be.  I have learned that the lessons will keep coming.  I have learned that nothing is really easy, and if it is, it probably isn't going to stay that way for long.  I have learned that living in the present is how to find joy and peace.  I have learned that I need to feel God close to me with every breath, or I won't be OK.  I have learned that I still have much to learn.

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

57 years old.  Female. Daughter. Friend. Student. Ex-wife. Mother (x3). Widow. Fiancé.  Singer. Guitar Player. Teacher. Substitute Teacher. Graduate student (x 3). College Professor. Principal. Speaker. Writer. Praise and Worship Leader.  Soon to be Ph.D.

            These are the terms that have defined something of me that have made me me. But even as a whole, they still cannot describe the very essence of who I am.

            What have I told myself about who I am?

Unworthy. Unloved. Not good enough. Unacceptable. Imperfect. Too emotional. Falling short. Fat. Not pretty enough. Not smart enough. Lacking Self-control and Gentleness. Talks too much. Feels too much. Gullible. Naïve. Good Friend. Dependable. Honest. Capable. Eager. Compelled. Passionate. Loving. Caring. Giving. Empathetic. Experienced. Risk-taker. Seeker. Learner. Enthusiastic. Growing. Wise (in some areas). Knowledgeable. Willing.

            Who does scripture say that I am?

Beloved. Cherished. Child of God. Heir to His Kingdom. Friend of Jesus. Part of the body of Christ.  Teacher. Forgiven. Healed. Whole. More than a Conqueror.  Justified.  Redeemed.  Sanctified.  Saint.  Peacemaker. Lover of the Brethren. Having the mind of Christ.  Created in His Image. God’s Partner in Miracle Delivery.  God’s Partner in Delivering Healing. Salt of the Earth.  Living Epistle—known and read of all men.  The Light of the world. Fellow-Laborer. Crucified with Christ. Strong in the Lord.

            What does this say to my heart about who I am?

            I realize that what drives me most of the time is love.  While I have felt unloved for much of my life, I know that to have love, we need to be love.  Out of love comes compassion and a willing heart to help and serve others.  This is not, however, the new name that God has given me. 

            A New Name

            When God gave His people a new name, it was because he was going to change their character.  A new name allows us to see ourselves differently as we grow into the person God has called us to be.  God has shared my new name with me.  I don’t understand it yet, but I know when the time is right he will reveal the path I must take to grow into my new name.  “To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone, a new name written which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it.”  Revelations 2:17.

Who am I?  I am His Child.  Waiting.

Don't Look Back

This morning, during my early morning walk, I came upon the neighborhood deer herd.  There are a pack of deer that roam through our neighborhood, and typically there are about 5 that are together most of the time, but I have counted 9 at once.  Today, there were 3 that had just crossed the neighborhood street where I was walking.  The youngest one turned toward me, and actually started moving toward me.  Knowing how unpredictable deer can be, I crossed the street to give a wider berth for them.  The younger one took a few steps towards me, so I stopped walking.  All at once, the younger one bounded back across the street and headed for a row of pine trees from the direction they came.  The other two took off in the opposite direction, but kept looking back for their young friend who was no longer with them.

I thought about how we often think going back from where we came is the better idea.  It was comfortable there.  It was known.  It was predictable.  It felt better than forging ahead into what lay ahead.  But then I realized that the poor young deer was now in a much worse predicament.  He was alone, and had no friends.  He now had more territory to cover to catch up to the rest. 

The good thing about deer is they want to stay in their pack, so I am sure that the others waited until young-one could get it together and rejoin them again.

This is not necessarily the case with us.  We stay stuck if we keep looking back, like the Israelites, wishing they had never left the slavery of Egypt because the desert held too many unknowns.  Growth requires forging ahead, even when it looks very scary.  Even the bondage of slavery can look good (or a familiar group of trees) if we don’t trust the One leading us forward.

Lesson of the day:  Look ahead and not back, and remember that the present means knowing where we came from is not as good as where we are going.  Being in the present means that we will trust the one leading us every step of the way, even if the way forward looks too hard.

I Don't Speak Deer

This morning on my walk, as I neared home, there were some deer very close to me.  One turned and ran quickly into the thicket.  A second one stared at me for quite some time, not taking her eyes off of me for a second, and her perked ears moving only once.  While in this stare-down with Deer #2, a third deer came onto the scene.  This one turned straight toward me and also began the stare-down.  But this one, stamped its front hoof as well – several times.  I was gently asking what he wanted, because I really don’t speak “deer.”  He kept doing this several times, and it made me wonder about the communication we all attempt and how much is missed in the understanding.  I am sure that this deer had a clear goal to make sure I knew he meant business (they were quite  forceful stomps!).  But I don’t know if it meant “go away” or if it meant “are you safe?”  These are certainly very different things.  What I do know, however, is that God takes care of the deer that roam in the fields behind my house as well as the beautiful birds that visited my feeder this morning.  They don’t fret, they don’t worry because they know they will have what they need.  Psalm 104 says:

             How many are your works, O Lord!  In wisdom you made them all; the earth is

            full of your creatures…these all look to you to give them their food at the proper

            time.  When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they

             are satisfied with good things (vs. 24, 27-28).

Oh I have so much to learn from God’s creatures!  And even if I don't speak, "deer" they certainly have spoken to me today.

Shedding The Skin I'm In

Much as I do not like things with exoskeletons or snakes and other critters that shed their skins, today, I had an “aha” moment when I realized what an amazing analogy these creatures provide for me in my spiritual walk.  It seems to me that in this growing process,  things go along just fine, when all of a sudden, I don’t feel right in the skin that I am in.  I feel as though I need to burst open and grow a new boundary – a new outer shell for myself.  Much as a snake sheds its skin and emerges fresh and new (ewwww, did I just use a snake in my writing???), I can see how God is working in me to want to shed my current shell so he can create something new in me that is bigger and better.  The crayfish is another great example (or anything else with its skeleton on the outside).  In order to grow, they HAVE to get rid of their old exterior.  They break out of it and emerge new.

My prayer for today is to shed my current skin, and for God’s Holy Spirit to create something new that is too big for me to stay the way I am right now.  Breaking open and breaking free – we need to embrace this process if we want to grow.